partly cloudy

i've read another long-time favorite book, that for some reasons I just can't help but reading it over and over again...laughing, smiling and crying at one point -- A Walk to Remember. whenever i get hold of the book, it made me realised sometimes to be a desirable woman. at one point i know it would be hard for me to do that.

i listened to music while i read the book. and they compliment each other. it caught me off-guard, the feelings i have. the emotions i'm trying to hide all these years.

being hurt for many times could really change a single heart, not only that it would change your whole being but also how you see things in general. just as it happened to me, i wonder how i cope up with things that hurt me and how it totally changes me as a person i am now. some would say that i became the stronger version of who i was before because i still have this emotional thing in me but it's as if i pursue the masculinity that i'm not supposed to have.

by that they asked me why do i have to be head over feet to one guy who doesnt even see my worth at first. and they meant that as pursuing the person more than he pursued me. i also asked the question myself. ive been drawn to this person for three years now and had been given almost everything to please him but still got rejected and unrecognised. i know it is wrong for me to continue this for this is not the right thing to do. i even blamed myself for being so hard-headed and not listening to voices around me. when i was alone i thought of stopping and letting him go. but how? after all this time, how will i do that?

i was torn into two again, of continuously doing what my heart really does and of thinking it all over again.

i was pained many times, of letting the other person love me as i love him back. this time, it pained me once more of loving the person without an assurance of him loving me back. i've been into two scenarios and i wonder which one is better. but i know that nothing has changed with the way i feel -- i do everything with love and i do it no matter what happens, with or without the assurance.

call me stupid or crazy or anything, but at the back of my mind, though i do things that the guy should do for me, i still wish he or someone could sweep me off my feet. i love the feeling of being loved just as i am, of how i look, of how messy i could become, of the temperament i have, but still sees me as a person worth loving. i somehow wish that he would just be standing right at my doorstep waiting for me as he would take me anywhere of a romantic ambiance. i dreamt of being in his arms because being with me is something he would not trade to anything else. i am now back to being a hopeless romantic as i was before...only when i felt like this is what i should really feel right now. i cant help but cry at the thought of not experiencing this again because i am doing a man's job after all.

this is my dilemma of reading romantic books and listening to sentimental songs at the same time. what is wrong with wishing something far from existing? i only wishes of things to come my way, to put a smile in my heart, to lighten up my day, to strengthen my soul. just a while ago i wish that he would ask me for a dance, something he is not used to doing, something that i would do with my beloved one. one Christmas, i would like to receive a special gift from him, something not even money could buy...something that comes from his heart. all this will be possible i guess the moment i let him do his way, for him to take the lead this time. if that's the only way for me to prove he is worth everything that i did, to prove that he will finally pursue me, or to prove that he will give me the assurance of love...i am more than willing to give him the position to do that for me. i will be a submissive, caring and loving woman as i was before...hopelessly romantic, ordinary girl who is in love with someone as gorgeous and kind as he is.

i don't have any regret in loving anyone, for that is beyond compare, whether he hurt or tried to hurt me. i just wanna be loved and be of importance to him. i just wanna be treated as a woman worth loving and worthy of any man's sacrifice.