pangamba

naranasan mo na bang mangamba? sino ba namang hindi. wala yatang tao na hindi nakadama ng negatibong pakiramdam na ito. maliit man o malaking bagay, basta kinatakutan naten ay di na madaling mabubura sa ating mga sistema.

hindi nagiging madali para sa isang tao ang magpakapositibo kung buong buhay mo na ay dinadaig ka ng takot..phobia na nga iyon minsan. di nga ba nagsisimula sa mumunting takot na binubuo din ng ating isipan ang malalaking mga bagay na siya nating kinatatakutan.

halimbawa na lang kung takot ka sa ipis o daga o gagamba o ahas hanggang sa takot ka sa dugo o injection o operasyon

maaari ding takot ka sa mataong lugar, sa matataas na lugar o sa dilim

na minsan sa takbo ng buhay naten takot na din tayo sa sunud-sunod na karahasan, sa kahirapan, sa mga masasakit na salita, sa maramot na lipunan, maging sa buhay pag-ibig, lalo na sa kamatayan

di maitatatwa na lahat ng bagay na iyan ay kontrolado minsan ng ating isipan. na kaya tayo nakakadama ng takot o pag-aalala ay dahil sa paunti-unting pagrehistro nito sa ating isipan. kinakain nito ang ating sistema hanggang sa makikita mo na lang ang sarili mo na nalulunod na sa pangamba.

may solusyon nga ba? hindi madali pero mawawala din. hindi man kumpleto pero kayang unti-untiin. wala namang bagay na naayos ng madalian, lahat dumadaan sa tamang proseso lamang. natatakot ka bang subukan? pwede namang pag-usapan. wag ka lang madaig ng iyong kinatatakutan.

partly cloudy

i've read another long-time favorite book, that for some reasons I just can't help but reading it over and over again...laughing, smiling and crying at one point -- A Walk to Remember. whenever i get hold of the book, it made me realised sometimes to be a desirable woman. at one point i know it would be hard for me to do that.

i listened to music while i read the book. and they compliment each other. it caught me off-guard, the feelings i have. the emotions i'm trying to hide all these years.

being hurt for many times could really change a single heart, not only that it would change your whole being but also how you see things in general. just as it happened to me, i wonder how i cope up with things that hurt me and how it totally changes me as a person i am now. some would say that i became the stronger version of who i was before because i still have this emotional thing in me but it's as if i pursue the masculinity that i'm not supposed to have.

by that they asked me why do i have to be head over feet to one guy who doesnt even see my worth at first. and they meant that as pursuing the person more than he pursued me. i also asked the question myself. ive been drawn to this person for three years now and had been given almost everything to please him but still got rejected and unrecognised. i know it is wrong for me to continue this for this is not the right thing to do. i even blamed myself for being so hard-headed and not listening to voices around me. when i was alone i thought of stopping and letting him go. but how? after all this time, how will i do that?

i was torn into two again, of continuously doing what my heart really does and of thinking it all over again.

i was pained many times, of letting the other person love me as i love him back. this time, it pained me once more of loving the person without an assurance of him loving me back. i've been into two scenarios and i wonder which one is better. but i know that nothing has changed with the way i feel -- i do everything with love and i do it no matter what happens, with or without the assurance.

call me stupid or crazy or anything, but at the back of my mind, though i do things that the guy should do for me, i still wish he or someone could sweep me off my feet. i love the feeling of being loved just as i am, of how i look, of how messy i could become, of the temperament i have, but still sees me as a person worth loving. i somehow wish that he would just be standing right at my doorstep waiting for me as he would take me anywhere of a romantic ambiance. i dreamt of being in his arms because being with me is something he would not trade to anything else. i am now back to being a hopeless romantic as i was before...only when i felt like this is what i should really feel right now. i cant help but cry at the thought of not experiencing this again because i am doing a man's job after all.

this is my dilemma of reading romantic books and listening to sentimental songs at the same time. what is wrong with wishing something far from existing? i only wishes of things to come my way, to put a smile in my heart, to lighten up my day, to strengthen my soul. just a while ago i wish that he would ask me for a dance, something he is not used to doing, something that i would do with my beloved one. one Christmas, i would like to receive a special gift from him, something not even money could buy...something that comes from his heart. all this will be possible i guess the moment i let him do his way, for him to take the lead this time. if that's the only way for me to prove he is worth everything that i did, to prove that he will finally pursue me, or to prove that he will give me the assurance of love...i am more than willing to give him the position to do that for me. i will be a submissive, caring and loving woman as i was before...hopelessly romantic, ordinary girl who is in love with someone as gorgeous and kind as he is.

i don't have any regret in loving anyone, for that is beyond compare, whether he hurt or tried to hurt me. i just wanna be loved and be of importance to him. i just wanna be treated as a woman worth loving and worthy of any man's sacrifice.

....draft

starting from scratch is not an easy task. but in my perspective, it is something fresh and new. it gives the excitement as if a child being handed with new toys. out of nothingness is the creation of things unknown to others or maybe to me. for when you begin something, whether it would be a collaboration of ideas of some sort or simply new words, the outcome is still a first.

staring at my monitor once more, waiting for something new to arrive to start a day. it is not boredom that lead me to this, one thing i am sure of.  this is something i am truly aware that even if i am not doing any work as of the moment because there's no file in line, there is still this fire inside, the energy to get me through the day.

just last night i was disheartened by so many things that happened. one reason why i shove the idea of watching or listening to news.  though that kept me updated, to realise i'm still part of the society i'm into, horrible news just put down the jolly state in me -- but just for a while.  i don't want to feel miserable from listening or watching late night news, maybe just a bit of sympathy for some.

when was the last time i ever wrote anything? can't even remember. i just have all these drafts and all, things i do when i want to keep busy. i miss the joy of writing (of sensible things).  i miss walking in the street, taking pictures of people (thematic), writing about them. i miss doing interviews of higher officials (for project compliance). i miss doing the things i used to do, the things that define the youtfulness in me. i am thankful where i am right now. i have a stable job (again), i am earning (a good amount, I may say), i left the former that just brought tears and pain after years of service (i'm in good hands now). i leveled up,  more mature, stronger, aged. but i am looking forward to doing things i love the most...

writing anything under the sun that comes to mind

reading till i drop, being updated to the books that comes up

photowalk, the opportunity and freedom to take them all, the wonders of human expression, of the natural beauty of life and places captured and then kept or shared to some enthusiasts

to go hiking or mountain climbing like it seems forever before we reach the top

be mesmerised as i watch the rising and the setting of the sun, whether i'm at the beach or just standing where i could largely see it.

and talking to someone of sense, of what had happened through the day.

it's when nothing has happened that we are wanting  for things to happen. it's when no has showed up that we are looking for them. it's when years have passed by and you still try to recall and relive the moments, the good memories. it's in writing a bit of some nonsensical things that somehow keeps me going, keeping me alive. if you can relate to this, you better create one that is running in your thoughts right now and put that into writing. it doesn't matter if you have an audience or not, what's important is that you don't let those thoughts pass through.

now that's better. i have  accomplished at least a bit of what i wanted to do -- i was able to draft something.