pagpapalit at pagbabago...

 ....

dingdingdingding! 

tumutunog na ang batingaw. akala ko ay kung anu lamang malakas na dagundong mula sa di kalayuan.

alas-kwatro y media pa lang ng madaling-araw pero maririnig mo na ang mga kaluskos ng mga taong paroon sa dakong malawak. tanghali na iyon. marahil dapat ay alas-tres pa lang gumayak na para di na abutan agad ng haring palaging sumisikat.

huling umaga ng misa de gallo. ramdam na agad ang papalapit na pagpapalit ng taon. marami sa ilan ay napapailing na lang. madami kasing delubyo ang dumaan. mga natural na pangyayare, may isinisilang, may namamatay. may karahasan, may mga kasong di nasosolusyunan. at may mga di mawari pang pangyayaring ayaw nang balikan.

pero sa mga oras na eto, tumigil na ang pagtunog ng batingaw. nais ko na uling bumulusok sa higaan para ituloy ang naunsyaming pagtulog. sabay ng pagpalahaw ng isang masiglang awitin ng pamasko. mula sa kapitbahay na di mo malaman kung sadyang masaya sa araw na eto o nais lang makasagupa muli ung huling taong humabol ng taga sa kanya. hmmm..pasko. isang linggo na lang magpapalit na ang taon. ano na nga ba ang inabot ng buhay ko sa nagdaang taon? marami. ano kaya ang masisilayan ko sa paparating na taon? mas madami.

karaniwan nang tanawin un mga nagtitinda ng lusis sa kalsada.. mula sa kinamulatan kong watusi hanggang sa naglalakihang Yolanda at Napoles na mga firecrackers, ang Bagong Taong pinoy ay klasiko pa din sa aking paningin. samu't saring pagbabawal man ang gawin ng mga lokal na pamahalaan naten, pag nasipitan lang ng kakaunting orange o pula o byolet na papel, ayos na, tuloy ang ligaya! di naman na nga kasi mawawala pa ang paputok sa buhay ng mga tao. mula noon at sa mga susunod pang henerasyon, laging meron at meron mapuputulan ng daliri, paa, braso at iba pang parte ng katawan (take your pick!) o maging buhay pa (kala kasi buy 1-take 1 ang life) ayan tuloy, kumikita ng husto un mga taga-gawa (mga hindi lehitimong taga-gawa lalo) habang madaming pamilyang umiiyak  sa pagsalubong sa bagong taon...tsk! isang sinturon ni hudas pa nga jan! 

minsan nais nating tumigil ang oras pag papalapit na ang pasko at bagong taon. yun iba nagmamadali nang magpalit ang taon kasi madaming plano para sa taong paparating. pero ako, nais kong hilahin pabalik un taon at dahan-dahanin lang ang pag-usad nito.  nung nauso nga ung mga instant-instant na bagay, aba pati buhay instant na din. instant noodles, instant baby, instagram, hahaha...mas madali nga naman...kasi lahat halos isang click na lang anjan na sa harapan (pwede bang pati bf? ahahaha). pero nakakatakot ang mga bagay na nadadaan sa madalian. karaniwan nang instant din ang paglisan. mas masarap yung pinaghihirapan, pinagtyatyagaan hanggang makamtan, hinihintay kahit tinitignan ka na ng mundo na naghihintay sa wala. mas gusto ko pa rin talaga yung pansit, yung baby pagkatapos ikasal, yung picture na hinayaan mong madevelop kasi may backup pa kung sakali man mawala yun hard copy. kahit sa bf ayoko nang nagkabunggo lang, kayo na. pwede bang mga nagbungguang puso na lang muna? :)

sa pagpapalit ng taong 2013 to 2014, hindi lang naman yun selebrasyon ang inaabangan ng lahat. kagaya ko. eto yun parte ng taon (huli at una) na talagang matutulala ako, habang kinakain ko un paborito kong tsokoleyt cake at red wine, nakatunghay lang sa papawirin na may iba't ibang fireworks display. (sosyal; mtv lang ang peg!) di nga, ganun talaga peg ko ng yearend bago ako makikihalubilo sa mga tao sa labas at sasalo sa media noche at walang katapusang family picture :( -- kulang kasi kami ng isa...

back to you. eto yung panahon na pinagbubulay-bulayan ko ang mga nangyari ng 364 days at may pagkakataon na matatawa ako, maiiyak, magiging seryoso.. mapapaisip muli. kasi sabi ko, naging mabuti ba akong tao sa loob ng 364 days? o kaya 364 din kaya na tao ang nasaktan ko? or may napangiti man lang ba ako? may nagawa man lang ba ako para sa ibang tao? tapos kakastiguhin ko un sarili ko sa mga mumunti at malalaking pagkakamaling naisip, nasabi at nagawa...at gagawan ng paraan na hindi man mawala ng tuluyan pero mabawasan para sa taong darating.  sa lahat din ng araw sa buong isang taon, bukod as birthday ko (minsan nga di pa) eto ang pinakamdramang araw, un 31st 11:59 to 1st 12:01. haha. ewan ko ba. siguro kasi literal na past na ang 2013 pag tuntong ng kamay ng orasan ng 12:01 2014 na!, at ibig sabihin isang mabilis na ulit na paglalakbay patungo sa taong dosmil-katorse ang matutunghayan sa buhay ko.

pero sa puntong iyan, hindi talaga maaalis na malapit na din ang pagtuntong ko sa ika-tatlong dekada ng buhay ko sa mundo. at yun ang inaabangan ko ng may kaba at saya. magkahalo. nakakatakot. parang paputok lang. parang regalong bubuksan...parang click lang ng camerang may film. parang post lang sa FB na di mo naman pinapansin.

gabi na.

liwanag na lang ng parol ang nakabukas.

di na pasko bukas.

ihanda na ang mga lusis, torotot at mga pampaingay.

salubungin ang bagong taon ng may bagong buhay. 

Pasko. At Pakiramdam

...at some point hinahanap ko ang brasuhan sa trabaho. ung tipong di ka na magkandaugaga sa ginagawa. i want a bit of pain. i want some heavy things in my shoulders. for the longest time, i have endured all those. And God has been very good to me all this time for letting me out of those burdens...pero masokista talaga ako. i live by "no pain no gain" attitude. mas masarap kasi yung gain pag ramdam mong pinaghirapan mo. but i'm not saying that it's heaven here in MS. nasanay lang talaga kasi ako na the heavier the load, the better.


in this season of Christmas, the more na ramdam ko how i wanted the company of my former colleagues. but the people here in MS mababait talaga at professional. haha. i'm not giving you reasons to raise your eyebrows but the difference is, here i'm more relaxed. hinahanap-hanap ko lang talaga yun dami ng tao na kahit haggard na gawa ng panget na sistema eh all smiles pa din.


sa kawalan ng ginagawa sa araw na ito (bakasyon na kasi ng mga solicitors namen) napasulat tuloy ako.


ang saya din nung kahit gaano kaliit un sweldo, nakakabili ka ng regalo para sa mga kasama mo sa trabaho, sa mga kaibigan mo, pamilya at sandamukal na mga inaanak. haha. ang pinagkaiba, lumaki nga ang sweldo pero lumaki din ang expenses. whew! the mere reason why i still love living in rural areas kasi di maluho mga tao. haha. kahit naman noon pa, i'm not used to extravagant living. dinadaan ko na lang sa pagkain. tapos kung kelan napalapit ako sa mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko noon hanggang ngayon, parang lalo naman ako nawalan ng sigla. haha. ewan ko ba. hinahanap ko lang din siguro un comfort na hindi stressful ung environment. i may say na hindi stressful ang workplace ko (one thing I am thankful for) pero dun sa pinanggalingan ko, we truly formed a bond na may tawanan, iyakan, seryosong bagay, at tawanan ulit. haha. simpleng fishball lang at samalamig dun, keri na. dito, kada ikot mo gastos. kada lingon mo, gastos. haha. kung pwede ko lang dalhin sa laguna ang MS...para almost perfect na ang sistema. :)


i have loved the life of being a simple lady in laguna. kahit na may mga pagkakataon na hinahanap-hanap ko ang ingay ng kalsada at ang ilaw ng manila, mas love ko pa din ang peaceful surrounding at friendly neighborhood sa tinirhan kong lugar ng 1 taon mahigit. inakala ko kasi na sa pagbabalik ko sa manila, matatagpuan ko ulit ang sarili ko sa mga taong mahabang panahon ko din nakasama. i guess wala talaga sa tagal yan. kasi ung mga taong saglit ko lang nakadaupang-palad sa probinsiyang siyudad eh mas sinasalamin yung brighter side ko. ;) dito kasi, bilang ko lang talaga sa daliri ko un mga taong kilala ako kahit walang pera, un hindi nageexpect ng extravagance saken, nevertheless mahal pa din ako. nakakatawang isipin. gusto ko pa din yun mga simpleng taong nakilala ko sa laguna. mga hindi judgmental kahit kakikilala pa lang saken. ung mga totoong tao na hindi ka dadaanin sa mga discreet conversation at titirahin ka ng pailalim.


haay.. senti na naman ang pasko. at wala pa akong nabibiling matinong regalo. kung pwede lang na isang matamis na pagbati na lang. pero gift-giving nga diba. i might actually have wrapped myself up and try ko lang kung may tatanggap. aahahaha.


lekat! yan ang hirap ng walang ginagawa. sabog-sabog na sa ideya, makapagsulat lang talaga. pero one thing i am sure of...i am grateful for the chance of knowing and experiencing both sides., of being grace under fire and being a chillax babe..somehow nalalaman ko din kung what's missing and what i've been holding, what i'm letting off my life and what i'm trying to live with.


pasko na. may regalo ka na ba. ako wala pa. tara. magbalot na tayo. gaya ng dati. nung uso pa ang kendi na isasabit sa christmas tree.


saya lang. non-sense. nuff said.

...life as we complicate it

I don't believe that when things go wrong, it is this world or this life that is being harsh as we experience pain and cruelty. It dawned to me (and I think always) that we are the culprit of our own sufferings. For the bad decisions we made. For the things we don't consult to people who are most knowledgeable and most experienced than us. Sometimes, it does not hurt if we are to ask, if we are to accept some facts about handling life, if we are to go seek for advice. When things go wrong, we may be unfair with life giving all the blame to it when all it can do is for us to discover how beautiful life is just as simple as living it.

We are being masochist. We try to do things that we know from the start would hurt us yet we pursue those things. When we decide things out of the right ones, we tend to ignore the consequences and then when it hit us right through, we couldn't back out. We cry, we suffer, but we do not stop from there. We accompany that with words like "experience is the best teacher" but what if we don't have to experience it but learn from people who have been through that kind of situation? We want to test the water. And we end up drowning ourselves to the darkest part of pain. We want to learn as we bruised, as we were wounded. We endured scars, we wanted to have marks shown all over us for us to qualify as the most experienced person on earth when in fact we don't need to...

Living this life with the most numbers of pain does not guarantee us a noble prize award nor a plaque of appreciation. Sometimes, some people who showed their cruelty to others, tend to equal our pain with criticisms that would make or break us as a person. More so, we slipped by their words and then we fall apart. Then we have bandages all over ourselves.

After a while, as years passed by, we became numb; not giving the slightest trust to people who genuinely cares for us. We ignore the good things and still dwell from past hurts. We live by the mistakes we did, in a negative way. We show the world how hurt we are that we don't appreciate the goodness beyond every dark past. We acknowledged the truth of hurtful feelings and not moving forward. Then we all blame life and then we doubt its offer of hope for us.

I am not new to this phase. I am for the longest time have been blaming the negativity life is bringing me, then after years of contemplating why things happened, pointed at myself for being the foremost responsible of complicating my life. I fell, I stood up. Then fell and stood up again. It became a circular motion, without ending, as if enjoying this circus. But the more it made me hurt, the more I became stronger. I'm in denial. I showed the world I'm strong enough to face trials, but end up weaker, crying in that same corner. I realized I needed someone. I realized I needed the One who will understand. I realized that in every painful decisions I made that hurt me so badly, all I need is to forgive myself first for committing these cruelties and forgiving the people who I allowed to take over me.

It is then my responsibility to take things to a different level. As I forgive, I move forward. It is hard to do. No one says life will be easy. But it is in our hands to make it possible. While to some it may be true that we learn from our own mistakes; to me, I understand that we do not have to make to learn. Hard-headed we may be but this is true: We don't have to go the painful process. We ought to make our own path and not follow their footprints. We were allowed for many times in our life to make mistakes but we also can do something to lessen it, if we cannot avoid it.

Life's simplicity is not far from reality when we allow it to. It is not easy nor hard. It depends on how we deal with it. When we complicate things and we do it whole-heartedly, we reap it. We have choices. We can decide. We are to make things happen. 

It is in our hands, by the way.

Parang Kayo Pero Hindi (book by noringai)

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be “friends.” They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she’s okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don’t see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn’t know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. “Parang sila, pero hindi.”


She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? “He hasn’t admitted anything,” she rants. “But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi.”


They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said “I love you” once but she wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she’s assuming that with what he’s doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There’s just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!


She is a 28-year-old virgin. He’s a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that “sila na” but then she’s not really sure about it. “We don’t talk about it but it doesn’t really matter,” she’d tell her friends. “What’s important is I am enjoying this — whatever it is.”


The “parang kayo, pero hindi” stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.


This kind of “relationship” can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. A nd for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy –may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi “hindi naman kayo.”


This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng “kalaro.” Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba’t ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng “buti na iyan kesa wala” or puwede na iyang “pantawid-gutom. ” Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.


For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that “kilig” feeling.


Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationship s din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn’t commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren’t ready to commit. My rationalization, “okay na iyun, kesa wala.” Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship , the emotions were real.


And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it’s not really a relationship, you can’t demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can’t expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?


Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can’t. Because you’re not sure if he’ll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang.


This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.


Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?


Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship . Wala kang pinanghahawakan.


Kasi sa pseudo-relationship , there is no “us.” Meron lang “you and me,” hindi “us.” Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo- relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.


Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you’d end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationship s and wait for the real thing.


When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, “Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita.” Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence.


Dahil ang “parang kayo pero hindi” stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.


Usually, hanggang doon lang siya …


almost, but not quite.

cornered

i may be out of focus
maybe i am more preoccupied
that i forgot to even smile in the morning
or to bade goodbye to the night sky

did i take things for granted
did i waste a lot of time
i might throw out important pieces of advice
and stick with my own mind

oh yeah the wind is blowing
and i can hear the water flowing
they are my constant reminder
that life outside is full of wonders

but all i do is run and chase time
I tried to do everything in my hands
forgetting to savour the moment of rest
that i deserve some silence and stillness

grab my hand and prevent my feet from leaving
i wonder if i'll ever be stopping
help me to understand where am i standing
tell me now what are we still waiting

basted

ilang pick-up lines na ba ang binitiwan mo

ilang rosas ang pinitas at ilang tsokolate ang binili 

pero anong nangyare?

may napala ka ba sa huli

sabi mo dati maghihintay ka

titiisin lahat para sa kanya

magiging mabuting tao para sa darating na araw

maipagmamalaki ka rin, mapapansin din

pero ilang "friends na lang tayo" ang nais mo pang marinig

na sa tuwing sasambitin eh nakakatulig

kaya ang puso mong gawa sa papel noon

aba kasintigas na ng bato ngayon

musikang pang-single aba ni-relate mo lahat sa sarili

marinig mo lang pangalan niya di ka na mapakali

kakain ng mag-isa naiisip mo ang dati

inaalala kahit masakit, kahit binibiyak ang iyong dibdib

wala namang pag-asa pero puso mo'y umaasa

lilingon ba siya sa nakalipas o tuluyan nang aalpas

lahat ng effort di na napansin

lahat ng nangyari noon, wala ng dating

"kung ang mundo ay umiikot sa araw

bakit ang mundo ko sayo lang gumagalaw"

ayos na pick-up pero walang binatbat

sa sanlibo mong kalaban sa mundong pinagaagawan

Survivor

for the longest time that we are facing trials
how many of these storms, earthquakes and the like
no matter how strong and devastating at times
but we definitely get through all the time

we are strong amidst the storm
yes it’s proven and true
but we had to have some help
for us to get through

as for the wrath of Yolanda, aka Haiyan
is really world’s worst and troublesome
seeing the photos and hearing the news
the cry of the people is all at loose

we have to move forward
extend help with the highest regard
to the most needy and in grief
by giving our prayers as well as relief

such things will soon be over
it may not be easy but it’s within God’s power
we have to act and be sober in helping others
most of all believe that we are all survivors

cry of the unborn

..i can hear the ticking of the clock
it’s time!...it’s time!..
this wall that surrounds me
so thick, i can’t even breathe

it hurts, what is it?
my heart beats faster
it suffocates me
i do want to live please let me

my vision is blurry
did you take another dose
that you are not allowed to

my stomach lurched
i felt dizzy i need to vomit
what is this feeling..so strange

you can’t even hear me cry
i tried to kick you
but my legs were weak, can’t move

i want to see the world hang on there
but how will i if you want me to die
i love you but you just let me go...

Wish you were here...

I was your favorite...of course I'm your one and only.
You used to call me beautiful (you're the only one I trust when it comes to this area), your princess, your angel.
You treated me well, loved me more than anyone else in this world.
I was your little mic, the love of your life, your precious gem

I remembered one time, we talked. That was the first time ever that I saw you cried in front of me. Only telling me that you're proud of me. That I'm irreplaceable. Nothing in this world could compare to me.

We cried that night. It was something memorable to me, That was a week before you left.

You stood by me through thick and thin (well there's no thickness I guess because I'm thin)
You did everything for me...to much that I can't even repay it back to you.

There were times when I'm not that good at all. I gave you headaches and made you worried at times.
I also put a frown on your face and made you mad most of the time.
I even thought of being unwanted and thought of being a prodigal one.
But even though I've made all those things, your love still amazes me

You've been so patient, so kind, workaholic
You've carried the burden all by yourself
You've been so strong. You've endured all the pain
You've given me enough...it may not be material things. It's more than money could buy

You've been my strength, my comfort
You're my words of wisdom, my encourager, my English teacher, my absorber, my wall

How could it be that you're gone from my sight
How after four years, it seems like it just happened yesterday

How I wish you're still here, watching me sleep, cooking anything you could offer, see where I'm standing now as your child, as a lady, as a woman.

How I pray that whenever it is my birthday, you would tickle my feet, kiss me in my forehead, giving me your widest smile as you greet me one happy blessed birthday

Ah...the days when you used to hold my hand and led me as we walked the street. I was 5 then, and you protected me from that fat woman who wanted to get me from you.

You never failed, even though I failed you at some point. You have made my heart stronger when you break it just by leaving me alone.

Can you come back even just for a second just to touch your face and see your smile?

Can you...

Will you...

i miss you daddy


P.S. You told me you're my number 1 fan. so don't destroy that loyalty wherever you are, ok.
I love you

and if I could turn back time, and i have to choose a father, I will still choose you...simply because you're irreplaceable. One great dad above anyone else.

...solitude

bright sunshine and cool air
fills the room of emptiness
chirping birds flying across
passing through like time does

leaves keep falling
as tears continue rolling
misty eyed, fiery inside
getting used to being left behind

seasons changed and so are things
what’s left are marred pieces
of emotions pained
of feelings afflicted

the melody of the night
kept humming inside
the shadow of yesterday
is no where in sight..

When I think about you I can see....

A bunch of fragrant flowers wrapped in colored paper
The sweet sound of music as guitar plays to serenade
The aroma of vegetable soup of chicken and mushroom
A compilation of your widely read comic book

A photograph of your childhood, of memories untold
A notebook of writings, the richness of imagination
A set of collectible, of youthful living and enjoyment
The love for feline, nothing more nothing less

It's when you talk of your mum and the good heart she has
The joy of seeing you play with your nieces & nephews & siblings alike
How you love your buddies ,how you treasure the moments shared with them
The care you showed to everyone, even if it's not returned at all

The smile that cannot be compared
The warmth of hugs on a rainy day
The smooth kisses you give along the way
The hands that holds mine as we walk by the bay

The sun that kisses the rain away for hope of a better day
The rain poured out from the sky to get some shiver down the spine
The moon and the stars that glows in the darkest of night that brings romance
...and just that the universe collides when you are by my side.

....writer kuno

ilang papel na ba ang pinunit ko
mula ng makuha kong maupo
hawak ko ang panulat
di ko naman maisulat

ginugulo pa din ako ng alaala
na matagal ko nang binalewala
tila ba isang surot
malikot, pilit sumusuot

nagtimpla na ako ng kape
mga mata ko ay nanlalake
di na magawang matulog
nilisan na ng antok

kitang-kita ko pa rin ang imahe
ng nakaraang pilit winawaglit
mga sandaling ayaw kong idetalye
pero syang sumisiksik

mata koy nagngangalit
kamay koy nananakit
una sa papel na patuloy na napupunit
at sa putol na lapis na di na makaguhit

asan na nga ba ang mga ideya
tila ba hanging inilipad na
kung doon kaya ako’y sumama
may maisusulat pa kaya?

uncertainty

how long will i wait

for the day that isn't coming

will i cover myself up under those sheets

to hide the tears that's rolling down deep

i remember quite a bit

how you simply swept me off my feet

it's like i'm daydreaming

the feeling is never-ending

then you came at my doorstep

with flowers, chocolates, all my favorites

you sang a good tune for me

it became my heart's bittersweet symphony

the days and weeks and months passes by

still you care for me all the while

you were there for me all this time

making me laugh and cry at the same time

we've been through ups and downs

you've carried my burden at some point

you keep on putting a smile at my face

you never let tears ruin our days

then i've asked myself how could it be

that all these things aren't real

that you one day will just step out

and all that's happened were just  show offs

why? cos we are not "us"

it's just you and me

how i long for that day to come

though you're with me yet not mine

i tried to hide the pain by saying it's just fine

that the right time will come for you to be mine

i just don't want to waste time waiting for nothing

so tell me what we really are before the worse things happen

tell me how long will i wait for the day that isn't coming

tell me that what we did is not done for nothing

while it's still new, while i'm not deeply in love with you

tell me if i have to let love go, tell me if i have to let you go

something right

"do not look for the 'right one', rather 'be the right one' for someone."

looks like that short adage of "waiting for the right one" has now come to an end for the self-confessed i-will-wait-for-the-right-one friend of mine. we had a not-so serious conversation yesterday that led to her realisations on her 29th birthday as she invaded the historic Corregidor. somehow I would want to go to places alone, enjoy the view on my own. sometimes i would wish i have him with me when i go to places like that. sometimes i would love him to be with me all the time.

so here we go with the discussion.

we all are searching for the right one, waiting for them to arrive. it seemed like a fairytale story, that will never happen in real life. it's not something the genie could produce in one of your three wishes. it's just plain wishes and dreams, reality is far from sight. because the truth is, there is no right one that will arrive unless you became the person you are looking for. if you have a standard as high as the statue of liberty or a fan of ever gorgeous, god-like, perfect man, you might as well consider to disregard those standards of the one you're looking for. it's when we love ourselves that we can attract the "one" for us. i've read a book once, that men generally is the one who chase after the heart they wanted to have. they do all the effort, the hardship just to be with the woman they love. it's their job, not ours (ouch). but as society accepts the equality of women to men, does it hurt if we could also do something to our eye candy just to give him the signal that we like them too? giving signals aren't bad after all.. only if only just giving signals and not merely mimicking their parts. men love challenges. and the more they see that the one they love is happy with the life she is leading, they would want to be part of that happiness too.

it came to me as we talked as to how i could be on track with this thoughts, knowing that for the most parts with our "mutual" relationship, it is I who is the gentleman between us. It is more of I do the "panliligaw" for the man who does not like me and until now have no idea whether he had fallen for me. it hurts for me to know that while I was so busy chasing for him and doing what I can for the love for him, it sours the relationship making it hard for me to decipher his feelings for me. so i then slow down, giving careful thoughts in all my actions. it came to a point that in order for me to get his full attention, i ended up being control freak and overpowering..that made me less attractive. so i slow down, i tried really hard for him to take the lead. i tried to be submissive. this time doing the girl's part. i am waiting as patient as I could. the process is really heartbreaking. that it dawned to me how blessed some women who have been shown great affection and attention by the man they love. that to my part it became a moment of solitude and despair. why? because he does not love me at all. he might show that he care, he would admit that he care but he is not decided to reveal his true feelings. he is on the safe zone. he is non-commital. at some point i would like to give up. but in the name of love i don't want to. i divert my attention to other things aside from him just so i would not be too clingy, craving for his attention. surprisingly i felt a bit disregarded, even taken for granted. i felt like because there is no deeply-rooted feelings for me might as well be a reason for him to dump me that easy. and that is really horrible to see.


i am in the position of not wanting anything but for him to be open for us. to realise that all the while it is i who is there for him no matter what. that his fear of being left alone will never come to us because i rarely do that. that just like him, i am always left behind. i may not be open for the challenge of looking for another guy who would definitely should be for me but would you blame me? it's not that easy as 1,2,3. and even if those discussions really hit me bulls eye and for so many times been hurt for the truth always banged me big time, I would fight for my love...but would remain in the state of waiting for him to act for us this time and not the other way around.

pangamba

naranasan mo na bang mangamba? sino ba namang hindi. wala yatang tao na hindi nakadama ng negatibong pakiramdam na ito. maliit man o malaking bagay, basta kinatakutan naten ay di na madaling mabubura sa ating mga sistema.

hindi nagiging madali para sa isang tao ang magpakapositibo kung buong buhay mo na ay dinadaig ka ng takot..phobia na nga iyon minsan. di nga ba nagsisimula sa mumunting takot na binubuo din ng ating isipan ang malalaking mga bagay na siya nating kinatatakutan.

halimbawa na lang kung takot ka sa ipis o daga o gagamba o ahas hanggang sa takot ka sa dugo o injection o operasyon

maaari ding takot ka sa mataong lugar, sa matataas na lugar o sa dilim

na minsan sa takbo ng buhay naten takot na din tayo sa sunud-sunod na karahasan, sa kahirapan, sa mga masasakit na salita, sa maramot na lipunan, maging sa buhay pag-ibig, lalo na sa kamatayan

di maitatatwa na lahat ng bagay na iyan ay kontrolado minsan ng ating isipan. na kaya tayo nakakadama ng takot o pag-aalala ay dahil sa paunti-unting pagrehistro nito sa ating isipan. kinakain nito ang ating sistema hanggang sa makikita mo na lang ang sarili mo na nalulunod na sa pangamba.

may solusyon nga ba? hindi madali pero mawawala din. hindi man kumpleto pero kayang unti-untiin. wala namang bagay na naayos ng madalian, lahat dumadaan sa tamang proseso lamang. natatakot ka bang subukan? pwede namang pag-usapan. wag ka lang madaig ng iyong kinatatakutan.

partly cloudy

i've read another long-time favorite book, that for some reasons I just can't help but reading it over and over again...laughing, smiling and crying at one point -- A Walk to Remember. whenever i get hold of the book, it made me realised sometimes to be a desirable woman. at one point i know it would be hard for me to do that.

i listened to music while i read the book. and they compliment each other. it caught me off-guard, the feelings i have. the emotions i'm trying to hide all these years.

being hurt for many times could really change a single heart, not only that it would change your whole being but also how you see things in general. just as it happened to me, i wonder how i cope up with things that hurt me and how it totally changes me as a person i am now. some would say that i became the stronger version of who i was before because i still have this emotional thing in me but it's as if i pursue the masculinity that i'm not supposed to have.

by that they asked me why do i have to be head over feet to one guy who doesnt even see my worth at first. and they meant that as pursuing the person more than he pursued me. i also asked the question myself. ive been drawn to this person for three years now and had been given almost everything to please him but still got rejected and unrecognised. i know it is wrong for me to continue this for this is not the right thing to do. i even blamed myself for being so hard-headed and not listening to voices around me. when i was alone i thought of stopping and letting him go. but how? after all this time, how will i do that?

i was torn into two again, of continuously doing what my heart really does and of thinking it all over again.

i was pained many times, of letting the other person love me as i love him back. this time, it pained me once more of loving the person without an assurance of him loving me back. i've been into two scenarios and i wonder which one is better. but i know that nothing has changed with the way i feel -- i do everything with love and i do it no matter what happens, with or without the assurance.

call me stupid or crazy or anything, but at the back of my mind, though i do things that the guy should do for me, i still wish he or someone could sweep me off my feet. i love the feeling of being loved just as i am, of how i look, of how messy i could become, of the temperament i have, but still sees me as a person worth loving. i somehow wish that he would just be standing right at my doorstep waiting for me as he would take me anywhere of a romantic ambiance. i dreamt of being in his arms because being with me is something he would not trade to anything else. i am now back to being a hopeless romantic as i was before...only when i felt like this is what i should really feel right now. i cant help but cry at the thought of not experiencing this again because i am doing a man's job after all.

this is my dilemma of reading romantic books and listening to sentimental songs at the same time. what is wrong with wishing something far from existing? i only wishes of things to come my way, to put a smile in my heart, to lighten up my day, to strengthen my soul. just a while ago i wish that he would ask me for a dance, something he is not used to doing, something that i would do with my beloved one. one Christmas, i would like to receive a special gift from him, something not even money could buy...something that comes from his heart. all this will be possible i guess the moment i let him do his way, for him to take the lead this time. if that's the only way for me to prove he is worth everything that i did, to prove that he will finally pursue me, or to prove that he will give me the assurance of love...i am more than willing to give him the position to do that for me. i will be a submissive, caring and loving woman as i was before...hopelessly romantic, ordinary girl who is in love with someone as gorgeous and kind as he is.

i don't have any regret in loving anyone, for that is beyond compare, whether he hurt or tried to hurt me. i just wanna be loved and be of importance to him. i just wanna be treated as a woman worth loving and worthy of any man's sacrifice.

....draft

starting from scratch is not an easy task. but in my perspective, it is something fresh and new. it gives the excitement as if a child being handed with new toys. out of nothingness is the creation of things unknown to others or maybe to me. for when you begin something, whether it would be a collaboration of ideas of some sort or simply new words, the outcome is still a first.

staring at my monitor once more, waiting for something new to arrive to start a day. it is not boredom that lead me to this, one thing i am sure of.  this is something i am truly aware that even if i am not doing any work as of the moment because there's no file in line, there is still this fire inside, the energy to get me through the day.

just last night i was disheartened by so many things that happened. one reason why i shove the idea of watching or listening to news.  though that kept me updated, to realise i'm still part of the society i'm into, horrible news just put down the jolly state in me -- but just for a while.  i don't want to feel miserable from listening or watching late night news, maybe just a bit of sympathy for some.

when was the last time i ever wrote anything? can't even remember. i just have all these drafts and all, things i do when i want to keep busy. i miss the joy of writing (of sensible things).  i miss walking in the street, taking pictures of people (thematic), writing about them. i miss doing interviews of higher officials (for project compliance). i miss doing the things i used to do, the things that define the youtfulness in me. i am thankful where i am right now. i have a stable job (again), i am earning (a good amount, I may say), i left the former that just brought tears and pain after years of service (i'm in good hands now). i leveled up,  more mature, stronger, aged. but i am looking forward to doing things i love the most...

writing anything under the sun that comes to mind

reading till i drop, being updated to the books that comes up

photowalk, the opportunity and freedom to take them all, the wonders of human expression, of the natural beauty of life and places captured and then kept or shared to some enthusiasts

to go hiking or mountain climbing like it seems forever before we reach the top

be mesmerised as i watch the rising and the setting of the sun, whether i'm at the beach or just standing where i could largely see it.

and talking to someone of sense, of what had happened through the day.

it's when nothing has happened that we are wanting  for things to happen. it's when no has showed up that we are looking for them. it's when years have passed by and you still try to recall and relive the moments, the good memories. it's in writing a bit of some nonsensical things that somehow keeps me going, keeping me alive. if you can relate to this, you better create one that is running in your thoughts right now and put that into writing. it doesn't matter if you have an audience or not, what's important is that you don't let those thoughts pass through.

now that's better. i have  accomplished at least a bit of what i wanted to do -- i was able to draft something.

Pagkakataon

Kanina sa gilid ng lawa sa takipsilim nadama ko ang katahimikan
Habang umiihip ang hangin na siyang yumayakap sa akin

Bagamat katabi ko siya
Pakiramdam ko ako'y mag-isa
Salamat sa kalangitan sa hangin at sa lawa
Lumbay ko'y napalitan ng kapayapaan

Alam kong ang biglang pagluha ko ay nasaksihan ng langit
Habang yakap naman ako ng malawak na tubig
At kalungkutan ko'y marahang tinangay ng hangin

Kung maaari lang na wag ng lisanin ang tila santwaryo
Ay mainam kong di nanaisin
Sapagkat sa lugar na yaon na malapit sa tubigan
Damdamin kong ito'y manapa ay may katahimikan

waiting

You'll never know and will never understand why tears keep falling from my eyes in the middle of the night. That fear of losing you kept creeping in my mind. That your answer will determine who I'll be for the next years of my life.

So make sure you decide fast. While I can still endure the wound in my heart. While I can still accept the pain that keeps on reminding me that it's now impossible you'll gonna come back.

Go on and leave me now. Even if I lay myself to sleep crying, don't you worry I'm a strong woman, remember? This too shall pass. Don't be too extra nice. I know you don't feel any love for me. I knew it from the start. I can manage. Just go.

I love you even if you don't. No there's no regret. I just love you. That's all that matters to me. And if ever the time comes that you realize that you do need me and that you love me, why you are still welcome. But I assure you, this time will be different.

And hey, I'm gonna miss you. :((

keep on pouring

The rain is supposed to keep me alive.
But today why am I maddened by its presence
Why do I feel like I'm dying inside
Knowing I should be in a happy state

For most I should celebrate
It's another year for me
Another opportunity
To correct the past mistake

In my mind I had it that way
Another day another year
I am most grateful it came

I just can't help but give more time to think things over
Moreso I can't help the tears that are flowing
Together with the rain they kept on pouring
How come the state of happiness which I should feel became a tearful state that made me grow weaker.

my 29th

On this day I would like to first and foremost thank God for allowing me to begin another 365 days of my life here on earth. I know I am not worthy of his love and grace. I know that I have lived a life out of his presence for the past months, given the situation I have reaped the consequence of my incapability to take hold of the blessings that he showered on me. Neglecting them made me regret for I have made my work above anything else. My prayer life, devotion and the things I am doing faltered all because I was afraid that I might be sanctioned. Little did I know that more than anything else it hurts more to be in a miserable state without God. Still he is merciful and his love endures forever. Forgiven and blessing me still, I am still breathing, alive and kicking. All because of the grace of God. I owe him a lot.

Then there's these two most important women in my life that I am also grateful for. Why? There will be no Mhea without Engeli and Juana.

For my Nanay, thank you for the 9 months that I'm inside your womb. I can't say how it is that you felt but I know it must be hard re the situation you are into. Still you managed to gave birth to a healthy baby girl, your eldest. I stayed for two years in your arms. And though it wasn't long that I stayed by your side but I still can feel how you took good care of me. I am grateful you bore me inside. And as long as I shall live I won't forget that.

And to my Mamie, I owe her a lot more. For accepting me and treating me as her own. For loving me which I now realized she did and is always. Thank you for taking good care of me for the past 26 years. For helping my dad to hone me as a woman I am now. Sorry for not being able to repay back the love because of what happened in the past. But I am thankful that I am given the chance to little by little show you how grateful I am you're my mom. Please do live for me for another ten years or more. Please do so that I could have more time to spend with you and the family that I will have. Thank you for the love, understanding and patience. Thank you for the effort, the time and more love you are giving. I love you.

And to the most influential person in my life, to my dad. I just so miss you daddy. Thank you for being my two in one dad. Thank you for all the sacrifice, the love and everything you've done for me to grow up this strong, for being the woman I am now.
Unfortunately you left me. It was the beginning of a hurtful birthday that I have. I know you'll never come back. But I will forever be grateful you are my dad. Your Mic, your little princess is a grown up woman now. Thank you and I love you daddy.

cheese and heart

I may not be the only woman among the crowd you dreamt of playing your fave instrument with when you got one

Nor the only woman you'll give your full force and effort to surprise just to see her smile

Nor the same woman you ever thought of loving and holding closest to your heart

But as long as I have the love inside my heart for you, I won't stop showing you that I am one woman who will love you beyond conditions. In my own little way, I will. Even if it takes forever I will wait till I'd be the last woman you'll end up loving and sharing your life with.

I love you. I assume you already knew that I do.