uncertainty

how long will i wait

for the day that isn't coming

will i cover myself up under those sheets

to hide the tears that's rolling down deep

i remember quite a bit

how you simply swept me off my feet

it's like i'm daydreaming

the feeling is never-ending

then you came at my doorstep

with flowers, chocolates, all my favorites

you sang a good tune for me

it became my heart's bittersweet symphony

the days and weeks and months passes by

still you care for me all the while

you were there for me all this time

making me laugh and cry at the same time

we've been through ups and downs

you've carried my burden at some point

you keep on putting a smile at my face

you never let tears ruin our days

then i've asked myself how could it be

that all these things aren't real

that you one day will just step out

and all that's happened were just  show offs

why? cos we are not "us"

it's just you and me

how i long for that day to come

though you're with me yet not mine

i tried to hide the pain by saying it's just fine

that the right time will come for you to be mine

i just don't want to waste time waiting for nothing

so tell me what we really are before the worse things happen

tell me how long will i wait for the day that isn't coming

tell me that what we did is not done for nothing

while it's still new, while i'm not deeply in love with you

tell me if i have to let love go, tell me if i have to let you go

something right

"do not look for the 'right one', rather 'be the right one' for someone."

looks like that short adage of "waiting for the right one" has now come to an end for the self-confessed i-will-wait-for-the-right-one friend of mine. we had a not-so serious conversation yesterday that led to her realisations on her 29th birthday as she invaded the historic Corregidor. somehow I would want to go to places alone, enjoy the view on my own. sometimes i would wish i have him with me when i go to places like that. sometimes i would love him to be with me all the time.

so here we go with the discussion.

we all are searching for the right one, waiting for them to arrive. it seemed like a fairytale story, that will never happen in real life. it's not something the genie could produce in one of your three wishes. it's just plain wishes and dreams, reality is far from sight. because the truth is, there is no right one that will arrive unless you became the person you are looking for. if you have a standard as high as the statue of liberty or a fan of ever gorgeous, god-like, perfect man, you might as well consider to disregard those standards of the one you're looking for. it's when we love ourselves that we can attract the "one" for us. i've read a book once, that men generally is the one who chase after the heart they wanted to have. they do all the effort, the hardship just to be with the woman they love. it's their job, not ours (ouch). but as society accepts the equality of women to men, does it hurt if we could also do something to our eye candy just to give him the signal that we like them too? giving signals aren't bad after all.. only if only just giving signals and not merely mimicking their parts. men love challenges. and the more they see that the one they love is happy with the life she is leading, they would want to be part of that happiness too.

it came to me as we talked as to how i could be on track with this thoughts, knowing that for the most parts with our "mutual" relationship, it is I who is the gentleman between us. It is more of I do the "panliligaw" for the man who does not like me and until now have no idea whether he had fallen for me. it hurts for me to know that while I was so busy chasing for him and doing what I can for the love for him, it sours the relationship making it hard for me to decipher his feelings for me. so i then slow down, giving careful thoughts in all my actions. it came to a point that in order for me to get his full attention, i ended up being control freak and overpowering..that made me less attractive. so i slow down, i tried really hard for him to take the lead. i tried to be submissive. this time doing the girl's part. i am waiting as patient as I could. the process is really heartbreaking. that it dawned to me how blessed some women who have been shown great affection and attention by the man they love. that to my part it became a moment of solitude and despair. why? because he does not love me at all. he might show that he care, he would admit that he care but he is not decided to reveal his true feelings. he is on the safe zone. he is non-commital. at some point i would like to give up. but in the name of love i don't want to. i divert my attention to other things aside from him just so i would not be too clingy, craving for his attention. surprisingly i felt a bit disregarded, even taken for granted. i felt like because there is no deeply-rooted feelings for me might as well be a reason for him to dump me that easy. and that is really horrible to see.


i am in the position of not wanting anything but for him to be open for us. to realise that all the while it is i who is there for him no matter what. that his fear of being left alone will never come to us because i rarely do that. that just like him, i am always left behind. i may not be open for the challenge of looking for another guy who would definitely should be for me but would you blame me? it's not that easy as 1,2,3. and even if those discussions really hit me bulls eye and for so many times been hurt for the truth always banged me big time, I would fight for my love...but would remain in the state of waiting for him to act for us this time and not the other way around.

pangamba

naranasan mo na bang mangamba? sino ba namang hindi. wala yatang tao na hindi nakadama ng negatibong pakiramdam na ito. maliit man o malaking bagay, basta kinatakutan naten ay di na madaling mabubura sa ating mga sistema.

hindi nagiging madali para sa isang tao ang magpakapositibo kung buong buhay mo na ay dinadaig ka ng takot..phobia na nga iyon minsan. di nga ba nagsisimula sa mumunting takot na binubuo din ng ating isipan ang malalaking mga bagay na siya nating kinatatakutan.

halimbawa na lang kung takot ka sa ipis o daga o gagamba o ahas hanggang sa takot ka sa dugo o injection o operasyon

maaari ding takot ka sa mataong lugar, sa matataas na lugar o sa dilim

na minsan sa takbo ng buhay naten takot na din tayo sa sunud-sunod na karahasan, sa kahirapan, sa mga masasakit na salita, sa maramot na lipunan, maging sa buhay pag-ibig, lalo na sa kamatayan

di maitatatwa na lahat ng bagay na iyan ay kontrolado minsan ng ating isipan. na kaya tayo nakakadama ng takot o pag-aalala ay dahil sa paunti-unting pagrehistro nito sa ating isipan. kinakain nito ang ating sistema hanggang sa makikita mo na lang ang sarili mo na nalulunod na sa pangamba.

may solusyon nga ba? hindi madali pero mawawala din. hindi man kumpleto pero kayang unti-untiin. wala namang bagay na naayos ng madalian, lahat dumadaan sa tamang proseso lamang. natatakot ka bang subukan? pwede namang pag-usapan. wag ka lang madaig ng iyong kinatatakutan.

partly cloudy

i've read another long-time favorite book, that for some reasons I just can't help but reading it over and over again...laughing, smiling and crying at one point -- A Walk to Remember. whenever i get hold of the book, it made me realised sometimes to be a desirable woman. at one point i know it would be hard for me to do that.

i listened to music while i read the book. and they compliment each other. it caught me off-guard, the feelings i have. the emotions i'm trying to hide all these years.

being hurt for many times could really change a single heart, not only that it would change your whole being but also how you see things in general. just as it happened to me, i wonder how i cope up with things that hurt me and how it totally changes me as a person i am now. some would say that i became the stronger version of who i was before because i still have this emotional thing in me but it's as if i pursue the masculinity that i'm not supposed to have.

by that they asked me why do i have to be head over feet to one guy who doesnt even see my worth at first. and they meant that as pursuing the person more than he pursued me. i also asked the question myself. ive been drawn to this person for three years now and had been given almost everything to please him but still got rejected and unrecognised. i know it is wrong for me to continue this for this is not the right thing to do. i even blamed myself for being so hard-headed and not listening to voices around me. when i was alone i thought of stopping and letting him go. but how? after all this time, how will i do that?

i was torn into two again, of continuously doing what my heart really does and of thinking it all over again.

i was pained many times, of letting the other person love me as i love him back. this time, it pained me once more of loving the person without an assurance of him loving me back. i've been into two scenarios and i wonder which one is better. but i know that nothing has changed with the way i feel -- i do everything with love and i do it no matter what happens, with or without the assurance.

call me stupid or crazy or anything, but at the back of my mind, though i do things that the guy should do for me, i still wish he or someone could sweep me off my feet. i love the feeling of being loved just as i am, of how i look, of how messy i could become, of the temperament i have, but still sees me as a person worth loving. i somehow wish that he would just be standing right at my doorstep waiting for me as he would take me anywhere of a romantic ambiance. i dreamt of being in his arms because being with me is something he would not trade to anything else. i am now back to being a hopeless romantic as i was before...only when i felt like this is what i should really feel right now. i cant help but cry at the thought of not experiencing this again because i am doing a man's job after all.

this is my dilemma of reading romantic books and listening to sentimental songs at the same time. what is wrong with wishing something far from existing? i only wishes of things to come my way, to put a smile in my heart, to lighten up my day, to strengthen my soul. just a while ago i wish that he would ask me for a dance, something he is not used to doing, something that i would do with my beloved one. one Christmas, i would like to receive a special gift from him, something not even money could buy...something that comes from his heart. all this will be possible i guess the moment i let him do his way, for him to take the lead this time. if that's the only way for me to prove he is worth everything that i did, to prove that he will finally pursue me, or to prove that he will give me the assurance of love...i am more than willing to give him the position to do that for me. i will be a submissive, caring and loving woman as i was before...hopelessly romantic, ordinary girl who is in love with someone as gorgeous and kind as he is.

i don't have any regret in loving anyone, for that is beyond compare, whether he hurt or tried to hurt me. i just wanna be loved and be of importance to him. i just wanna be treated as a woman worth loving and worthy of any man's sacrifice.