The Chase

Why does it felt so strange? I still have two months to go and still no signs of finally getting there. Is there really to wait? Is there really something to look forward to? Why does it seemed like everything's going to fall apart with no one to catch the smallest piece of my heart? Could it be me? Should I let go? Is there ever a chase? Should I stop hoping? I can't even feel the excitement. Do I have to start digging for my grave...for the nth times? Just so that when the bomb explodes I know where I can gather the pieces and bury them all at once. Is it painful when it never occurred? Am I getting ready for it when I let go of what I hold? Is the pain excruciating? Will I still see the light? Will I smile after? To expect is to get hurt, so I won't give an ounce on anything I ever hoped for. 

 
Or will I still wait? That there really is my ever after. That for being patient all this time, I will finally reap what I sowed. I will indulge myself to the perfect sunshine, the most beautiful sunrise that I can capture. And have the sweetest smile this knight in shining armor could really admire. We will soon celebrate as we hold each other's hands walking while the sun sets. And will enjoy the starry night sky being wrapped in the arms of the one I love. And then I could finally hear those words that will forever be kept in my heart. Oh, happiness.

 

Hope. Trust. Loyalty. Respect.
And the essence of giving up or waiting;
And choices and decisions.
And the stillness of love that will shine at the end of this long dark tunnel of uncertainties.

 

lumangpapel12
3Oct2014 8:47 am

Empty-handed

Some things are better said than done, but at this very moment, I'd rather not hear anything and be surprised of what life could give me. 

Things are meant to happen. It's just that some have to happen first in your life than any other lives. It's his/her time. We can't do anything about it.  if I were in their shoes, maybe I could just say the same. But I don't want you to be in mine. I know you wouldn't want to hear any of that as your heart lurched in pain.

Acceptance is the key. You have to understand that if you are not doing well down here, their souls may not be at ease up there.  i didn't mean to feel that way. But how can i ask myself to accept these facts. How that even i come out as someone strong enough,i still can't.  Words sometimes can be healing and at the same time torturing.  

What will I do now? If I knew the answer, I would have loudly told people around me. Hey, I'm 30 years old. Old enough for these things. That these are really to happen. But did you also realise how short the bonding we have. i am just starting to appreciate, to show my love in return, to give them the good life i hope for them to experience before they -- well-- leave this earth.  but right after how many months that i pinned my first job, after a long battle with sickness and being able to enjoy the fruit of 15 years in school, as i start dreaming and step-by-step fulfilling those, my dad left me. leaving without a hint of coming back. fresh as it was like yesterday's occurrence, i am terribly lost. all my dreams shattered. i am half dead. and will forever be this way. i'm a daddy's princess. i'm his little mic. it's been 6 years. and the pain just went on and on and on. it never stops.  no, it will never be.

I thought life, as it was fast paced, could really be helped with time  to erase that unbearable pain, the trauma, and the uncertainties, the fear of losing more and not be able to withstand the next storm. i have to pick up all the pieces, though i knew i am picking the ones that cannot be put together again. i have to begin anew but the pain is in itself painful. i tried to lead my life in another direction outside my solitude. i found a bit of life. it put some colors in my nearly black and white. i look for people. i searched for companions. i struggle to have someone as a father figure. Yeah, that's when my mom rescued me from the brink of not getting the hope to live more.

My mow, we were oceans apart (now forever we are). But she managed to get near me. Her 80th birthday is the best ever. and the last. i had to make it a point that it will forever be remembered. the laughter, the pictures, the gestures, the love, all just for her to feel that i still have her. that we still have her and we wanted to make her stay for one more decade. Right on the point when i have to look for a greener pasture, she really gave her best to support me. She suffered from heart enlargement and pneumonia, but promised to keep herself alive for me. for us. she came back here in Manila to be with us. My heart would gladly support her in her every needs, her medications, her food, whatever she wanted, even if nothing's left of me.

i felt her warmest hugs, her sweetest kisses, her iloveyoutoos. those were treasured. those will never be forgotten,. those were our closest encounter ever. for the last time, i have felt i have a mother. that i know i can never have another. It's hard to think that you would rather trade everything just for her  to survive. I would rather not have enough sleep, or money to spare for myself, just for her to buy medication, just for the time left to be by her side. This is the saddest mother's day and the most unforgettable birthday i have. To celebrate those in the hospital is really something no one wished, but it happened. i have nothing to do with it. i saw her struggled to be well. She wanted to go home and be able to celebrate my birthday at home. I wanted her badly to get well. I wanted her to live for just one more day.  

I believe there are things in life that you really cannot fathom. Lest, that you can't even handle with your own will and might. I am for weeks now been lost and cannot be found. i'd rather not exist.,or breathe. 

I gave her a white rose, as always, on Mother's day. And despite the pain of needles left and right, she managed to smile and hugged me as tight as she could. She is weak but wanted to sit down and have a chitchat with me. Even reminded me that in three days, i'll be 30 and she demanded for a grandchildren. Hah! if i could bring back time, i would have married the first man i saw  just to grant her wish (kidding aside).  I went home late.  My 30th birthday is a combination of excruciating pain and numbness. i am completely disoriented. i wanted her home. she wanted to go home. i just wish things are all done. no more pain and no more tears. The world is not a wish-granting factory. and even if it's my birthday, my only wish for her to be well was granted in a  different way -- i have to lose her, let go of her hand for her to be painless, for her to rest well. Three days after my birthday, she left. Forever.

Looking back, i knew i have said my sorry's, thank you's and iloveyou's...I knew i have showed them both how i loved them, cared for them. i knew that in my own little way, i am trying to be the best daughter they hoped that i would be. i knew that i have given my best for them to experience the good life bit by bit.  i knew that they knew that i am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort just for them to live.

And now, i know my life is completely different.  God is beside me all this. I felt it. He never left.  I have uttered my highest praise and worship for him, not only at times of loss but in triumph and victory. I have prayed that He would let my dad live. He answered me in a different way. I did not question him, not even a bit. i knew there is a purpose. I have to reconcile with my mom, have to stand for myself and live on my own.

Then when this happened, I prayed for one more chance, and for another and for my birthday. And He has still a purpose for letting these things happen.  I still don't know why but He just didn't prolong the agony and hurt of my mom. And even though i'm grieving still,  His comfort is the best that i am experiencing every night as i cried myself to sleep. Every night that i can't breathe and even if i can, i always lift up my pain to Him. 

Ever wonder how i managed to smile in front of people, how i can still work? Not because life must go on. But without God to help me recover step by step, what would my life be? This pain is not yet through. That i assure you. I am just thankful, i am surrounded by people who from day 1 that i have them as friends, i know forever they will be. They were placed beside me not just because they are my friends, but i know they are for keeps. And i know i can count on them.

I know this pain won't last forever. And that even if i feel no more pain someday, i will still hold on to the memories that we shared as a family. 

I may have lose them in this earth, but my heart will forever keep them. For that, i am thankful. And I will try to be strong.

Poem of the Day XXVI (Name Poem XVII)

Originally posted on vantaran.wordpress.com:

A Poem for Mhea

Much loved is she who perseveres,

Holds firm and true to her faith.

Esteemed is she who seeks and hears

And believes the Word is her strength.

 

Dearest daughter and steadfast friend,

Epitome of fidelity.

Loyal will she stay to the end,

A constant disciple is she:

     Committed as a true Christian.

 

—– First composed on:  May 4, 2014

—– Completed on:  May 7, 2014

 

...pagsulat ng wala

dati kaya ko pang magsulat ng masasayang akda…baket ngayon bigla na lang nawala

di nga ako mahilig gumawa ng tula…mas gusto ko ang mahahabang akda

pero sa paglipas ng panahon iba ang aking natutunan

maraming pangyayaring ako ang siyang tinuruan

kapag inlove ka kasi…romantika at palaging masaya

ang pagsulat ay naglalaman nang magagandang alaala

mga ngiti ay di mawala-wala

kasabay ng pagkinang ng mga mata

pero hindi naman palaging pasko

nabroken-hearted din ako

doon nagsimulang magsulat ng totoo

puro nga lang malulungkot ang laman nito

andun ung umiiyak ako habang nagsusulat

o kaya maraming papel ang nasayang at nagkalat

may oras na wala naman akong tigil 

daig ko pa ang isang baliw

nagagawa kong magsulat nang may tapang

hawak ang papel at pluma lamang

pero hinahanap ko din ang pagsulat ng may lambing

yung pusong mababa, may lambot…di mapag-daing

sa lahat ng iyon na pinagdaanan

masaasabi kong ang pagsulat ko ay may laman

bukod sa mababasa meron din matututunan

dala ng masaya at malungkot na karanasan

at ngayon nga sa yugto ng aking buhay

sa aking pagsulat minsan ako’y matamlay

di ko na nga ramdam ung sigla ng pagsulat

pati lungkot di ko na rin mahagilap

:-(

..andaya mo naman e..

Di mo ba alam kung gano ako kalungkot ngayon?..

..magkasama na kayo ni dadie,.pero baket di ko magawang maging masaya..

di ko na ulit alam panu magsimula..dalawang beses na akong namatay..dalawang beses na gusto kong ibalik ang kamay ng orasan..dalawang beses na pero di ko pa rin gusto magpaalam..

The Perfect Crime

...

The Perfect Crime


What is more rewarding than seeing that special person's smile on that one special moment that is just so ordinary for him.  It is worth it.


It was planned, but not that I expected it to be that big.  It took me less than two weeks to finalize the things, actually there were last minute (literally) preppies that I didn't expect would come out so easily. At first, it's a tough thing to do for I know that time, distance and budget constraints were really part of it...but with love and determination, what could it not reach? :)


I believe that the timing is just right, and having the right kind of people whom i got by my side added to it. Having the right kind of friends who even beyond health condition and heavy emotional baggage would still do the favor for me is really something. And i just don't know how to thank them enough for being so supportive -- Timmy and Ellen. I love them from the moment i met them and be with them and somehow part of their love for me was once again proven for what they just did.  I owed them big time.


Really planning for a surprise is never that easy, especially if it's intended to someone with whom you cannot hiding anything.  But this time, he's clueless.  Unlike the past year, he had the idea of his birthday but this one was really different.

Imagine the courage I have just to get through all of those for someone who wasn't used to getting surprises in his entire life. I am breaking the rule for him.  Honestly, my head ached, and my heart lurched. I did not know what to do.  Days passed by so quickly that I am literally running out of time. I have no means of making this easy. But when it's really the right time, it will turn out perfectly.  

First part is the Ultimate Card.  I looked for people.  I thought of the contents of the card, who will write in it. It seemed so easy but no, not really. The contents of the card were not that planned at all. But was able to finally finish its content. Even the messages i put there was such a rush but came out well.. I've got the dilemma of how it will be signed by the people closest to our hearts because my two accomplices were having schedule conflicts and all i can do is to hope and cross-finger that it will eventually be signed by them.  And they did.


Next is the cake. At first i preferred it to be something special, not the common cakes that we can see.  But after some research, special cakes are a bit expensive.  The next day I thought of trying 30 pieces of homemade cupcakes with designs of his face or of cats. I have contacted two of my good friends who could bake it for me, willing to even teach me and do some for me but they suggested to buy the usual cake instead -- theirs are pricey too, really.  So I looked for 2 bakeshops that would deliver but only one of them could possible do it.  One of my good friends from Cabuyao suggested that they would buy it for me, just asked me the instructions and the message in the cake. The one who bought the cake haven't slept yet and is unwell but really did it for me. She went and bought and followed what i had said and it turned out well and perfect.


And then the day came. Good thing that it's Australian day and we have nothing to do. I can really think things over and talk to them while it's idle.


The card was given.  People were noisy on their bay/post because of the card, more so when two of our bosses, who seemed to be my accomplices, Boss Jing and Boss April presented the cake and the noise became cheers and greetings.  The plan for that morning was successful.

i just can’t contain my happiness that I wanted to shout upon knowing how he reacted to that surprise.  I may not be able to witness the moment, but my heart jumps right here upon knowing it's a success.  It's bliss. :)

He had called it "an organised crime".  So, then it's a "crime".

It didn't end there, though. The surprise moved on as I hired another accomplice to do the job for me. It must not be as hard as I thought knowing that that person is no other than the closest man in his life -- his brother.  I texted his brother the night before, asking him favors. I had him prepared balloons and party hats. The day of the crime, the whole morning until the execution, we did communicate.  It almost didn't happen.  It was that morning that the “Victim” had to leave early from the office when his VTO was approved, it was 11:00 am. My accomplice and I were talking over and told him that his kuya is going home now. By 2:00 pm, Randy (his brother) texted me that he will be home by 4:00 pm. After hours of waiting, he then texted me that he was on his way and was able to buy party hats and balloons. I was relieved. But then the “Victim” was already home, yet surprised upon seeing that Randy had bought him the things we needed. It was a kiddie party for a 30-year-old boy.

Flashback: Two days before the "Crime", I was talking to another person closest to him as well – one of his best friends. It would be much better if the other best friend was here, but since he’s overseas, I planned on contacting him through Skype.  But then that seemed impossble.  Good thing that I was able to speak to one of his best friend, Kuya John, my last accomplice. We planned on the food we have to cook, of what we have to prepare. Those two days and until the day itself, we were talking and texting until we have decided that he will cook for him. And the setup was just in my end.

So that day, I went to Alabang to firstly meet his bestfriend, securing things were okay.  We will pretend that we don't know anything until i gave him the go signal that it's time to "invite" the "victim" to come over his house.. I left Kuya John's house and went to the “victim’s” house where surprises awaits. I saw his brother outside and told me that his kuya had no idea that I’ll be coming but had a bit of a hint that I will. So we bought another 5 balloons and two party hats for me and Randy and off we go. I covered myself with the balloons and when he opened the door, was surprised by my presence.

Little did he know that before that actually occurred, here in the office I was a bit frustrated for not inviting me to celebrate with him. It’s a secret, though.

He gave me a 30-second hug. And words of gratitude. That was the best 30-second hug yet I have received from him, and the happiest.


He thought that that was the end of it.


So I texted Kuya John and asked him to call the “victim” for us to proceed with the finale. I acted that I didn't know anything.  So when we went to Kuya John's house, at first I let him talk with his bestfriend, then Kuya John called me to then move on with the celebration. He cooked pasta and we have cake for him too. We invited some K1x boys. To his surprise, that it was also part of the celebration thing. He then teases me, smiling at me and spanking me with his bandana. He was surprised all the same. Even told me that I have a lot of explaining to do, really a lot. I just replied with a smile. So then we ate and laugh and took pictures.


Then the finale was a gift I bought weeks before his birthday. I didn't really think I could buy that. But during the time that we were at that mall, I said to myself that I will give him something. So when I got the chance, i bought it for him. Somehow, it reminded him that “Time, just like love, is important to me.”


****

The cost of loving someone isn't really something that I would put into figures, nor can be calculated nor can be price tagged. The cost of loving someone is beyond any amount..it is given without asking for a change. The cost of loving someone is no cost at all. It is priceless. It is precious. It is willing to give more when not asked. It is giving without expecting.

So on 27 January 2014, under the bright full moon of that cold night, I have done the Perfect Crime I will never regret.  No bail needed.  I would love to be imprisoned to that 30-year-old heart of a willing victim by the name of Dubai Fornillos-Dol -- and I am Guilty.

Isolation

Hurt and incomplete
Felt the air so cold and crisp
The moment of solitude
Is everywhere, it is somehow misunderstood

Midnight blue sky
Inviting, invigorating
Yet left the good things
To hide under the sheets

It is painful, especially heartbreaking
Seeing them in such a happy state
Hearing them singing the sweetest melody I’ve ever heard
It is harsh, it is great, it is melancholic, it is dead.

With great endurance still pain was felt
There is no turning back to the crest
The lights and the sounds are gone and the laughter now unheard
In this four-cornered room the shadow is forever held