The Perfect Crime

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The Perfect Crime


What is more rewarding than seeing that special person's smile on that one special moment that is just so ordinary for him.  It is worth it.


It was planned, but not that I expected it to be that big.  It took me less than two weeks to finalize the things, actually there were last minute (literally) preppies that I didn't expect would come out so easily. At first, it's a tough thing to do for I know that time, distance and budget constraints were really part of it...but with love and determination, what could it not reach? :)


I believe that the timing is just right, and having the right kind of people whom i got by my side added to it. Having the right kind of friends who even beyond health condition and heavy emotional baggage would still do the favor for me is really something. And i just don't know how to thank them enough for being so supportive -- Timmy and Ellen. I love them from the moment i met them and be with them and somehow part of their love for me was once again proven for what they just did.  I owed them big time.


Really planning for a surprise is never that easy, especially if it's intended to someone with whom you cannot hiding anything.  But this time, he's clueless.  Unlike the past year, he had the idea of his birthday but this one was really different.

Imagine the courage I have just to get through all of those for someone who wasn't used to getting surprises in his entire life. I am breaking the rule for him.  Honestly, my head ached, and my heart lurched. I did not know what to do.  Days passed by so quickly that I am literally running out of time. I have no means of making this easy. But when it's really the right time, it will turn out perfectly.  

First part is the Ultimate Card.  I looked for people.  I thought of the contents of the card, who will write in it. It seemed so easy but no, not really. The contents of the card were not that planned at all. But was able to finally finish its content. Even the messages i put there was such a rush but came out well.. I've got the dilemma of how it will be signed by the people closest to our hearts because my two accomplices were having schedule conflicts and all i can do is to hope and cross-finger that it will eventually be signed by them.  And they did.


Next is the cake. At first i preferred it to be something special, not the common cakes that we can see.  But after some research, special cakes are a bit expensive.  The next day I thought of trying 30 pieces of homemade cupcakes with designs of his face or of cats. I have contacted two of my good friends who could bake it for me, willing to even teach me and do some for me but they suggested to buy the usual cake instead -- theirs are pricey too, really.  So I looked for 2 bakeshops that would deliver but only one of them could possible do it.  One of my good friends from Cabuyao suggested that they would buy it for me, just asked me the instructions and the message in the cake. The one who bought the cake haven't slept yet and is unwell but really did it for me. She went and bought and followed what i had said and it turned out well and perfect.


And then the day came. Good thing that it's Australian day and we have nothing to do. I can really think things over and talk to them while it's idle.


The card was given.  People were noisy on their bay/post because of the card, more so when two of our bosses, who seemed to be my accomplices, Boss Jing and Boss April presented the cake and the noise became cheers and greetings.  The plan for that morning was successful.

i just can’t contain my happiness that I wanted to shout upon knowing how he reacted to that surprise.  I may not be able to witness the moment, but my heart jumps right here upon knowing it's a success.  It's bliss. :)

He had called it "an organised crime".  So, then it's a "crime".

It didn't end there, though. The surprise moved on as I hired another accomplice to do the job for me. It must not be as hard as I thought knowing that that person is no other than the closest man in his life -- his brother.  I texted his brother the night before, asking him favors. I had him prepared balloons and party hats. The day of the crime, the whole morning until the execution, we did communicate.  It almost didn't happen.  It was that morning that the “Victim” had to leave early from the office when his VTO was approved, it was 11:00 am. My accomplice and I were talking over and told him that his kuya is going home now. By 2:00 pm, Randy (his brother) texted me that he will be home by 4:00 pm. After hours of waiting, he then texted me that he was on his way and was able to buy party hats and balloons. I was relieved. But then the “Victim” was already home, yet surprised upon seeing that Randy had bought him the things we needed. It was a kiddie party for a 30-year-old boy.

Flashback: Two days before the "Crime", I was talking to another person closest to him as well – one of his best friends. It would be much better if the other best friend was here, but since he’s overseas, I planned on contacting him through Skype.  But then that seemed impossble.  Good thing that I was able to speak to one of his best friend, Kuya John, my last accomplice. We planned on the food we have to cook, of what we have to prepare. Those two days and until the day itself, we were talking and texting until we have decided that he will cook for him. And the setup was just in my end.

So that day, I went to Alabang to firstly meet his bestfriend, securing things were okay.  We will pretend that we don't know anything until i gave him the go signal that it's time to "invite" the "victim" to come over his house.. I left Kuya John's house and went to the “victim’s” house where surprises awaits. I saw his brother outside and told me that his kuya had no idea that I’ll be coming but had a bit of a hint that I will. So we bought another 5 balloons and two party hats for me and Randy and off we go. I covered myself with the balloons and when he opened the door, was surprised by my presence.

Little did he know that before that actually occurred, here in the office I was a bit frustrated for not inviting me to celebrate with him. It’s a secret, though.

He gave me a 30-second hug. And words of gratitude. That was the best 30-second hug yet I have received from him, and the happiest.


He thought that that was the end of it.


So I texted Kuya John and asked him to call the “victim” for us to proceed with the finale. I acted that I didn't know anything.  So when we went to Kuya John's house, at first I let him talk with his bestfriend, then Kuya John called me to then move on with the celebration. He cooked pasta and we have cake for him too. We invited some K1x boys. To his surprise, that it was also part of the celebration thing. He then teases me, smiling at me and spanking me with his bandana. He was surprised all the same. Even told me that I have a lot of explaining to do, really a lot. I just replied with a smile. So then we ate and laugh and took pictures.


Then the finale was a gift I bought weeks before his birthday. I didn't really think I could buy that. But during the time that we were at that mall, I said to myself that I will give him something. So when I got the chance, i bought it for him. Somehow, it reminded him that “Time, just like love, is important to me.”


****

The cost of loving someone isn't really something that I would put into figures, nor can be calculated nor can be price tagged. The cost of loving someone is beyond any amount..it is given without asking for a change. The cost of loving someone is no cost at all. It is priceless. It is precious. It is willing to give more when not asked. It is giving without expecting.

So on 27 January 2014, under the bright full moon of that cold night, I have done the Perfect Crime I will never regret.  No bail needed.  I would love to be imprisoned to that 30-year-old heart of a willing victim by the name of Dubai Fornillos-Dol -- and I am Guilty.

Parang Kayo Pero Hindi (book by noringai)

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be “friends.” They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she’s okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don’t see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn’t know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. “Parang sila, pero hindi.”


She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? “He hasn’t admitted anything,” she rants. “But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi.”


They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said “I love you” once but she wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she’s assuming that with what he’s doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There’s just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!


She is a 28-year-old virgin. He’s a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that “sila na” but then she’s not really sure about it. “We don’t talk about it but it doesn’t really matter,” she’d tell her friends. “What’s important is I am enjoying this — whatever it is.”


The “parang kayo, pero hindi” stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.


This kind of “relationship” can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. A nd for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy –may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi “hindi naman kayo.”


This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng “kalaro.” Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba’t ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng “buti na iyan kesa wala” or puwede na iyang “pantawid-gutom. ” Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.


For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that “kilig” feeling.


Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationship s din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn’t commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren’t ready to commit. My rationalization, “okay na iyun, kesa wala.” Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship , the emotions were real.


And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it’s not really a relationship, you can’t demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can’t expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?


Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can’t. Because you’re not sure if he’ll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang.


This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.


Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?


Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship . Wala kang pinanghahawakan.


Kasi sa pseudo-relationship , there is no “us.” Meron lang “you and me,” hindi “us.” Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo- relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.


Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you’d end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationship s and wait for the real thing.


When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, “Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita.” Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence.


Dahil ang “parang kayo pero hindi” stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.


Usually, hanggang doon lang siya …


almost, but not quite.

When I think about you I can see....

A bunch of fragrant flowers wrapped in colored paper
The sweet sound of music as guitar plays to serenade
The aroma of vegetable soup of chicken and mushroom
A compilation of your widely read comic book

A photograph of your childhood, of memories untold
A notebook of writings, the richness of imagination
A set of collectible, of youthful living and enjoyment
The love for feline, nothing more nothing less

It's when you talk of your mum and the good heart she has
The joy of seeing you play with your nieces & nephews & siblings alike
How you love your buddies ,how you treasure the moments shared with them
The care you showed to everyone, even if it's not returned at all

The smile that cannot be compared
The warmth of hugs on a rainy day
The smooth kisses you give along the way
The hands that holds mine as we walk by the bay

The sun that kisses the rain away for hope of a better day
The rain poured out from the sky to get some shiver down the spine
The moon and the stars that glows in the darkest of night that brings romance
...and just that the universe collides when you are by my side.

uncertainty

how long will i wait

for the day that isn't coming

will i cover myself up under those sheets

to hide the tears that's rolling down deep

i remember quite a bit

how you simply swept me off my feet

it's like i'm daydreaming

the feeling is never-ending

then you came at my doorstep

with flowers, chocolates, all my favorites

you sang a good tune for me

it became my heart's bittersweet symphony

the days and weeks and months passes by

still you care for me all the while

you were there for me all this time

making me laugh and cry at the same time

we've been through ups and downs

you've carried my burden at some point

you keep on putting a smile at my face

you never let tears ruin our days

then i've asked myself how could it be

that all these things aren't real

that you one day will just step out

and all that's happened were just  show offs

why? cos we are not "us"

it's just you and me

how i long for that day to come

though you're with me yet not mine

i tried to hide the pain by saying it's just fine

that the right time will come for you to be mine

i just don't want to waste time waiting for nothing

so tell me what we really are before the worse things happen

tell me how long will i wait for the day that isn't coming

tell me that what we did is not done for nothing

while it's still new, while i'm not deeply in love with you

tell me if i have to let love go, tell me if i have to let you go

something right

"do not look for the 'right one', rather 'be the right one' for someone."

looks like that short adage of "waiting for the right one" has now come to an end for the self-confessed i-will-wait-for-the-right-one friend of mine. we had a not-so serious conversation yesterday that led to her realisations on her 29th birthday as she invaded the historic Corregidor. somehow I would want to go to places alone, enjoy the view on my own. sometimes i would wish i have him with me when i go to places like that. sometimes i would love him to be with me all the time.

so here we go with the discussion.

we all are searching for the right one, waiting for them to arrive. it seemed like a fairytale story, that will never happen in real life. it's not something the genie could produce in one of your three wishes. it's just plain wishes and dreams, reality is far from sight. because the truth is, there is no right one that will arrive unless you became the person you are looking for. if you have a standard as high as the statue of liberty or a fan of ever gorgeous, god-like, perfect man, you might as well consider to disregard those standards of the one you're looking for. it's when we love ourselves that we can attract the "one" for us. i've read a book once, that men generally is the one who chase after the heart they wanted to have. they do all the effort, the hardship just to be with the woman they love. it's their job, not ours (ouch). but as society accepts the equality of women to men, does it hurt if we could also do something to our eye candy just to give him the signal that we like them too? giving signals aren't bad after all.. only if only just giving signals and not merely mimicking their parts. men love challenges. and the more they see that the one they love is happy with the life she is leading, they would want to be part of that happiness too.

it came to me as we talked as to how i could be on track with this thoughts, knowing that for the most parts with our "mutual" relationship, it is I who is the gentleman between us. It is more of I do the "panliligaw" for the man who does not like me and until now have no idea whether he had fallen for me. it hurts for me to know that while I was so busy chasing for him and doing what I can for the love for him, it sours the relationship making it hard for me to decipher his feelings for me. so i then slow down, giving careful thoughts in all my actions. it came to a point that in order for me to get his full attention, i ended up being control freak and overpowering..that made me less attractive. so i slow down, i tried really hard for him to take the lead. i tried to be submissive. this time doing the girl's part. i am waiting as patient as I could. the process is really heartbreaking. that it dawned to me how blessed some women who have been shown great affection and attention by the man they love. that to my part it became a moment of solitude and despair. why? because he does not love me at all. he might show that he care, he would admit that he care but he is not decided to reveal his true feelings. he is on the safe zone. he is non-commital. at some point i would like to give up. but in the name of love i don't want to. i divert my attention to other things aside from him just so i would not be too clingy, craving for his attention. surprisingly i felt a bit disregarded, even taken for granted. i felt like because there is no deeply-rooted feelings for me might as well be a reason for him to dump me that easy. and that is really horrible to see.


i am in the position of not wanting anything but for him to be open for us. to realise that all the while it is i who is there for him no matter what. that his fear of being left alone will never come to us because i rarely do that. that just like him, i am always left behind. i may not be open for the challenge of looking for another guy who would definitely should be for me but would you blame me? it's not that easy as 1,2,3. and even if those discussions really hit me bulls eye and for so many times been hurt for the truth always banged me big time, I would fight for my love...but would remain in the state of waiting for him to act for us this time and not the other way around.

Pagkakataon

Kanina sa gilid ng lawa sa takipsilim nadama ko ang katahimikan
Habang umiihip ang hangin na siyang yumayakap sa akin

Bagamat katabi ko siya
Pakiramdam ko ako'y mag-isa
Salamat sa kalangitan sa hangin at sa lawa
Lumbay ko'y napalitan ng kapayapaan

Alam kong ang biglang pagluha ko ay nasaksihan ng langit
Habang yakap naman ako ng malawak na tubig
At kalungkutan ko'y marahang tinangay ng hangin

Kung maaari lang na wag ng lisanin ang tila santwaryo
Ay mainam kong di nanaisin
Sapagkat sa lugar na yaon na malapit sa tubigan
Damdamin kong ito'y manapa ay may katahimikan

cheese and heart

I may not be the only woman among the crowd you dreamt of playing your fave instrument with when you got one

Nor the only woman you'll give your full force and effort to surprise just to see her smile

Nor the same woman you ever thought of loving and holding closest to your heart

But as long as I have the love inside my heart for you, I won't stop showing you that I am one woman who will love you beyond conditions. In my own little way, I will. Even if it takes forever I will wait till I'd be the last woman you'll end up loving and sharing your life with.

I love you. I assume you already knew that I do.

it never will...

.why the sudden effect as if the world depends on you

why so undeniably charming when it is generally alarming

or maybe it's just the state of mind instilled in me the very moment I've realised you caught me off guard



breathing seems so hard nowadays

knowing you're far better out of my sight than being blinded by your presence as you walk on by



time takes me to neverland

somewhere i'd rather be when i know you can take me



but just as neverland is so unreal...so as the thought that you'll carry me there.









#writing again. bothered by what you're going through right now. if only i could ease the pain..i just can't. got no right to.

existence

Drifted, eyes half shut. breathing

Under the same old dull sky. crying

Between stillness of heart. trembling

Against the raging sun. fighting

Innocent face, blissful. smiling



Forever love commenced the heart

Often on the verge of breaking apart

Rescued through pain and hurt

Never surrendering, still holding

In times when letting go is a choice

Learning it though the hardest way

Love still prevails

Over and over and over again

Still fighting for the one that mends it



Drawn in the strangeness

Of love that binds you and me

Love that never departs the heart of the one who possess this identity

stranded

sounds funny but true
i'm missing the old days when i'm with you

yes you're still with me now
but it seems like ages
i felt so alone
as if you're not existing

i know it's always been him/her
and yes it hurts

just cant help it
weird to think about it
how will you know
how will you understand

i'm chasing my way back to the old you
and i'm running alone
i know you won't even follow

Not a coincidence

Everything was created with a purpose. The universe, this world, all living things especially human is created because it is for the glory of the Supreme Being. It is my favorite quote and is Bible-based that I am not an accident. So really things happened not because it’s a coincidence.

I’ve heard this from a lot of people who have experienced something that’s either amazing or unique events in their lives. But in my journey today, one person did say it twice – well, for the thought that it served its purpose.

It is not a coincidence that I was able to get a helping hand on that particular moment. That as I am thinking for the nth time why things are happening in the same way that I don’t want it to happen, there is nothing like coincidental for having someone beside me and even scaring me to death as he surprised me of his presence.

I was alarmed at that moment. It really didn’t synch in to me that here we go again, my job is really doing this to me. In a span of 15 minutes or so, I just stare blankly at passer-bys at the MRT station. I sat at the dining part of the bakeshop where I was staying and couldn’t even take my first step for me to get home. Part of me hindered me to stand up and head home, I had difficulty breathing. I texted my trusted persons. They replied and even worried. They symphatized. One moment I am standing at the side of the station where I can see all kinds of vehicles passing along EDSA. I stayed there for what seems forever, still blank and my eyes were blurred of the truth that just kept on hitting me. A text came. And another and another.

And then he’s there.

Not a coincidence. He was waiting at EDSA under the MRT station heading south going home. He received texts that he diligently replied. Then bothered by whatever he’s read, he told himself that if ever the bus that he’s seen arrived and haven’t received a reply from someone whom he’s replying, he will definitely take the ride. But just before the bus came and pass by in front of him, a text came, indicating he needs to do his job. He has to see me. He went up and look for me all over the station. Thinking that I wasn’t in the platform. Then almost disappointed that he won’t see me, he gave another chance. If on the second round he still can’t find me, he will just go home thinking I also was on my way home. But as he went ahead for the second time looking for me, his eyes caught me as I was going at the side of the station not facing him. He’s supposed to surprise me. And I was. Never thought that he’ll be just beside me. I was stunned.
Not a coincidence. He told me what happened and why he’s there. I replied back, not knowing that he’ll be there far from my expectation. I thought he was on his way home. Now he’s there and patiently listening to what has been a burden for me. He told me that it’s never a coincidence that he’s there with me. The fact that everything just happened smoothly made him think that I’m truly needing someone to ease the pain. That at that point in my life, a listening ear and an understanding heart is what really matters. 

Alongside, I felt relieved. At last, someone did something even without me asking. I considered him a blessing being the one to initiate in giving his hands to help. I can’t help but cry. I cried to him for the second time, this time in front of him. He comforted me. Shared things about himself. He enlightened me, cooling down heated emotions, joking and laughing as if there’s no tomorrow. I felt lighter. He really helped. And at that moment, I knew I found an angel. Before we part ways, I was a bit shaky because I cried a river, he offered a hug that kept me warm the whole time even after that conversation. A hug from a friend comforted me and removed the pain and wiped the tears away.

Not a coincidence. Because it never will be one, knowing that at the other side... somebody’s reaching a hand.

Lumangpapel's note: Written sometime in February. Only published now due to demand of the hearty writer. =)