The Chase

Why does it felt so strange? I still have two months to go and still no signs of finally getting there. Is there really to wait? Is there really something to look forward to? Why does it seemed like everything's going to fall apart with no one to catch the smallest piece of my heart? Could it be me? Should I let go? Is there ever a chase? Should I stop hoping? I can't even feel the excitement. Do I have to start digging for my grave...for the nth times? Just so that when the bomb explodes I know where I can gather the pieces and bury them all at once. Is it painful when it never occurred? Am I getting ready for it when I let go of what I hold? Is the pain excruciating? Will I still see the light? Will I smile after? To expect is to get hurt, so I won't give an ounce on anything I ever hoped for. 

 
Or will I still wait? That there really is my ever after. That for being patient all this time, I will finally reap what I sowed. I will indulge myself to the perfect sunshine, the most beautiful sunrise that I can capture. And have the sweetest smile this knight in shining armor could really admire. We will soon celebrate as we hold each other's hands walking while the sun sets. And will enjoy the starry night sky being wrapped in the arms of the one I love. And then I could finally hear those words that will forever be kept in my heart. Oh, happiness.

 

Hope. Trust. Loyalty. Respect.
And the essence of giving up or waiting;
And choices and decisions.
And the stillness of love that will shine at the end of this long dark tunnel of uncertainties.

 

lumangpapel12
3Oct2014 8:47 am

Empty-handed

Some things are better said than done, but at this very moment, I'd rather not hear anything and be surprised of what life could give me. 

Things are meant to happen. It's just that some have to happen first in your life than any other lives. It's his/her time. We can't do anything about it.  if I were in their shoes, maybe I could just say the same. But I don't want you to be in mine. I know you wouldn't want to hear any of that as your heart lurched in pain.

Acceptance is the key. You have to understand that if you are not doing well down here, their souls may not be at ease up there.  i didn't mean to feel that way. But how can i ask myself to accept these facts. How that even i come out as someone strong enough,i still can't.  Words sometimes can be healing and at the same time torturing.  

What will I do now? If I knew the answer, I would have loudly told people around me. Hey, I'm 30 years old. Old enough for these things. That these are really to happen. But did you also realise how short the bonding we have. i am just starting to appreciate, to show my love in return, to give them the good life i hope for them to experience before they -- well-- leave this earth.  but right after how many months that i pinned my first job, after a long battle with sickness and being able to enjoy the fruit of 15 years in school, as i start dreaming and step-by-step fulfilling those, my dad left me. leaving without a hint of coming back. fresh as it was like yesterday's occurrence, i am terribly lost. all my dreams shattered. i am half dead. and will forever be this way. i'm a daddy's princess. i'm his little mic. it's been 6 years. and the pain just went on and on and on. it never stops.  no, it will never be.

I thought life, as it was fast paced, could really be helped with time  to erase that unbearable pain, the trauma, and the uncertainties, the fear of losing more and not be able to withstand the next storm. i have to pick up all the pieces, though i knew i am picking the ones that cannot be put together again. i have to begin anew but the pain is in itself painful. i tried to lead my life in another direction outside my solitude. i found a bit of life. it put some colors in my nearly black and white. i look for people. i searched for companions. i struggle to have someone as a father figure. Yeah, that's when my mom rescued me from the brink of not getting the hope to live more.

My mow, we were oceans apart (now forever we are). But she managed to get near me. Her 80th birthday is the best ever. and the last. i had to make it a point that it will forever be remembered. the laughter, the pictures, the gestures, the love, all just for her to feel that i still have her. that we still have her and we wanted to make her stay for one more decade. Right on the point when i have to look for a greener pasture, she really gave her best to support me. She suffered from heart enlargement and pneumonia, but promised to keep herself alive for me. for us. she came back here in Manila to be with us. My heart would gladly support her in her every needs, her medications, her food, whatever she wanted, even if nothing's left of me.

i felt her warmest hugs, her sweetest kisses, her iloveyoutoos. those were treasured. those will never be forgotten,. those were our closest encounter ever. for the last time, i have felt i have a mother. that i know i can never have another. It's hard to think that you would rather trade everything just for her  to survive. I would rather not have enough sleep, or money to spare for myself, just for her to buy medication, just for the time left to be by her side. This is the saddest mother's day and the most unforgettable birthday i have. To celebrate those in the hospital is really something no one wished, but it happened. i have nothing to do with it. i saw her struggled to be well. She wanted to go home and be able to celebrate my birthday at home. I wanted her badly to get well. I wanted her to live for just one more day.  

I believe there are things in life that you really cannot fathom. Lest, that you can't even handle with your own will and might. I am for weeks now been lost and cannot be found. i'd rather not exist.,or breathe. 

I gave her a white rose, as always, on Mother's day. And despite the pain of needles left and right, she managed to smile and hugged me as tight as she could. She is weak but wanted to sit down and have a chitchat with me. Even reminded me that in three days, i'll be 30 and she demanded for a grandchildren. Hah! if i could bring back time, i would have married the first man i saw  just to grant her wish (kidding aside).  I went home late.  My 30th birthday is a combination of excruciating pain and numbness. i am completely disoriented. i wanted her home. she wanted to go home. i just wish things are all done. no more pain and no more tears. The world is not a wish-granting factory. and even if it's my birthday, my only wish for her to be well was granted in a  different way -- i have to lose her, let go of her hand for her to be painless, for her to rest well. Three days after my birthday, she left. Forever.

Looking back, i knew i have said my sorry's, thank you's and iloveyou's...I knew i have showed them both how i loved them, cared for them. i knew that in my own little way, i am trying to be the best daughter they hoped that i would be. i knew that i have given my best for them to experience the good life bit by bit.  i knew that they knew that i am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort just for them to live.

And now, i know my life is completely different.  God is beside me all this. I felt it. He never left.  I have uttered my highest praise and worship for him, not only at times of loss but in triumph and victory. I have prayed that He would let my dad live. He answered me in a different way. I did not question him, not even a bit. i knew there is a purpose. I have to reconcile with my mom, have to stand for myself and live on my own.

Then when this happened, I prayed for one more chance, and for another and for my birthday. And He has still a purpose for letting these things happen.  I still don't know why but He just didn't prolong the agony and hurt of my mom. And even though i'm grieving still,  His comfort is the best that i am experiencing every night as i cried myself to sleep. Every night that i can't breathe and even if i can, i always lift up my pain to Him. 

Ever wonder how i managed to smile in front of people, how i can still work? Not because life must go on. But without God to help me recover step by step, what would my life be? This pain is not yet through. That i assure you. I am just thankful, i am surrounded by people who from day 1 that i have them as friends, i know forever they will be. They were placed beside me not just because they are my friends, but i know they are for keeps. And i know i can count on them.

I know this pain won't last forever. And that even if i feel no more pain someday, i will still hold on to the memories that we shared as a family. 

I may have lose them in this earth, but my heart will forever keep them. For that, i am thankful. And I will try to be strong.

Poem of the Day XXVI (Name Poem XVII)

Originally posted on vantaran.wordpress.com:

A Poem for Mhea

Much loved is she who perseveres,

Holds firm and true to her faith.

Esteemed is she who seeks and hears

And believes the Word is her strength.

 

Dearest daughter and steadfast friend,

Epitome of fidelity.

Loyal will she stay to the end,

A constant disciple is she:

     Committed as a true Christian.

 

—– First composed on:  May 4, 2014

—– Completed on:  May 7, 2014

 

...pagsulat ng wala

dati kaya ko pang magsulat ng masasayang akda…baket ngayon bigla na lang nawala

di nga ako mahilig gumawa ng tula…mas gusto ko ang mahahabang akda

pero sa paglipas ng panahon iba ang aking natutunan

maraming pangyayaring ako ang siyang tinuruan

kapag inlove ka kasi…romantika at palaging masaya

ang pagsulat ay naglalaman nang magagandang alaala

mga ngiti ay di mawala-wala

kasabay ng pagkinang ng mga mata

pero hindi naman palaging pasko

nabroken-hearted din ako

doon nagsimulang magsulat ng totoo

puro nga lang malulungkot ang laman nito

andun ung umiiyak ako habang nagsusulat

o kaya maraming papel ang nasayang at nagkalat

may oras na wala naman akong tigil 

daig ko pa ang isang baliw

nagagawa kong magsulat nang may tapang

hawak ang papel at pluma lamang

pero hinahanap ko din ang pagsulat ng may lambing

yung pusong mababa, may lambot…di mapag-daing

sa lahat ng iyon na pinagdaanan

masaasabi kong ang pagsulat ko ay may laman

bukod sa mababasa meron din matututunan

dala ng masaya at malungkot na karanasan

at ngayon nga sa yugto ng aking buhay

sa aking pagsulat minsan ako’y matamlay

di ko na nga ramdam ung sigla ng pagsulat

pati lungkot di ko na rin mahagilap

:-(

..andaya mo naman e..

Di mo ba alam kung gano ako kalungkot ngayon?..

..magkasama na kayo ni dadie,.pero baket di ko magawang maging masaya..

di ko na ulit alam panu magsimula..dalawang beses na akong namatay..dalawang beses na gusto kong ibalik ang kamay ng orasan..dalawang beses na pero di ko pa rin gusto magpaalam..

The Perfect Crime

...

The Perfect Crime


What is more rewarding than seeing that special person's smile on that one special moment that is just so ordinary for him.  It is worth it.


It was planned, but not that I expected it to be that big.  It took me less than two weeks to finalize the things, actually there were last minute (literally) preppies that I didn't expect would come out so easily. At first, it's a tough thing to do for I know that time, distance and budget constraints were really part of it...but with love and determination, what could it not reach? :)


I believe that the timing is just right, and having the right kind of people whom i got by my side added to it. Having the right kind of friends who even beyond health condition and heavy emotional baggage would still do the favor for me is really something. And i just don't know how to thank them enough for being so supportive -- Timmy and Ellen. I love them from the moment i met them and be with them and somehow part of their love for me was once again proven for what they just did.  I owed them big time.


Really planning for a surprise is never that easy, especially if it's intended to someone with whom you cannot hiding anything.  But this time, he's clueless.  Unlike the past year, he had the idea of his birthday but this one was really different.

Imagine the courage I have just to get through all of those for someone who wasn't used to getting surprises in his entire life. I am breaking the rule for him.  Honestly, my head ached, and my heart lurched. I did not know what to do.  Days passed by so quickly that I am literally running out of time. I have no means of making this easy. But when it's really the right time, it will turn out perfectly.  

First part is the Ultimate Card.  I looked for people.  I thought of the contents of the card, who will write in it. It seemed so easy but no, not really. The contents of the card were not that planned at all. But was able to finally finish its content. Even the messages i put there was such a rush but came out well.. I've got the dilemma of how it will be signed by the people closest to our hearts because my two accomplices were having schedule conflicts and all i can do is to hope and cross-finger that it will eventually be signed by them.  And they did.


Next is the cake. At first i preferred it to be something special, not the common cakes that we can see.  But after some research, special cakes are a bit expensive.  The next day I thought of trying 30 pieces of homemade cupcakes with designs of his face or of cats. I have contacted two of my good friends who could bake it for me, willing to even teach me and do some for me but they suggested to buy the usual cake instead -- theirs are pricey too, really.  So I looked for 2 bakeshops that would deliver but only one of them could possible do it.  One of my good friends from Cabuyao suggested that they would buy it for me, just asked me the instructions and the message in the cake. The one who bought the cake haven't slept yet and is unwell but really did it for me. She went and bought and followed what i had said and it turned out well and perfect.


And then the day came. Good thing that it's Australian day and we have nothing to do. I can really think things over and talk to them while it's idle.


The card was given.  People were noisy on their bay/post because of the card, more so when two of our bosses, who seemed to be my accomplices, Boss Jing and Boss April presented the cake and the noise became cheers and greetings.  The plan for that morning was successful.

i just can’t contain my happiness that I wanted to shout upon knowing how he reacted to that surprise.  I may not be able to witness the moment, but my heart jumps right here upon knowing it's a success.  It's bliss. :)

He had called it "an organised crime".  So, then it's a "crime".

It didn't end there, though. The surprise moved on as I hired another accomplice to do the job for me. It must not be as hard as I thought knowing that that person is no other than the closest man in his life -- his brother.  I texted his brother the night before, asking him favors. I had him prepared balloons and party hats. The day of the crime, the whole morning until the execution, we did communicate.  It almost didn't happen.  It was that morning that the “Victim” had to leave early from the office when his VTO was approved, it was 11:00 am. My accomplice and I were talking over and told him that his kuya is going home now. By 2:00 pm, Randy (his brother) texted me that he will be home by 4:00 pm. After hours of waiting, he then texted me that he was on his way and was able to buy party hats and balloons. I was relieved. But then the “Victim” was already home, yet surprised upon seeing that Randy had bought him the things we needed. It was a kiddie party for a 30-year-old boy.

Flashback: Two days before the "Crime", I was talking to another person closest to him as well – one of his best friends. It would be much better if the other best friend was here, but since he’s overseas, I planned on contacting him through Skype.  But then that seemed impossble.  Good thing that I was able to speak to one of his best friend, Kuya John, my last accomplice. We planned on the food we have to cook, of what we have to prepare. Those two days and until the day itself, we were talking and texting until we have decided that he will cook for him. And the setup was just in my end.

So that day, I went to Alabang to firstly meet his bestfriend, securing things were okay.  We will pretend that we don't know anything until i gave him the go signal that it's time to "invite" the "victim" to come over his house.. I left Kuya John's house and went to the “victim’s” house where surprises awaits. I saw his brother outside and told me that his kuya had no idea that I’ll be coming but had a bit of a hint that I will. So we bought another 5 balloons and two party hats for me and Randy and off we go. I covered myself with the balloons and when he opened the door, was surprised by my presence.

Little did he know that before that actually occurred, here in the office I was a bit frustrated for not inviting me to celebrate with him. It’s a secret, though.

He gave me a 30-second hug. And words of gratitude. That was the best 30-second hug yet I have received from him, and the happiest.


He thought that that was the end of it.


So I texted Kuya John and asked him to call the “victim” for us to proceed with the finale. I acted that I didn't know anything.  So when we went to Kuya John's house, at first I let him talk with his bestfriend, then Kuya John called me to then move on with the celebration. He cooked pasta and we have cake for him too. We invited some K1x boys. To his surprise, that it was also part of the celebration thing. He then teases me, smiling at me and spanking me with his bandana. He was surprised all the same. Even told me that I have a lot of explaining to do, really a lot. I just replied with a smile. So then we ate and laugh and took pictures.


Then the finale was a gift I bought weeks before his birthday. I didn't really think I could buy that. But during the time that we were at that mall, I said to myself that I will give him something. So when I got the chance, i bought it for him. Somehow, it reminded him that “Time, just like love, is important to me.”


****

The cost of loving someone isn't really something that I would put into figures, nor can be calculated nor can be price tagged. The cost of loving someone is beyond any amount..it is given without asking for a change. The cost of loving someone is no cost at all. It is priceless. It is precious. It is willing to give more when not asked. It is giving without expecting.

So on 27 January 2014, under the bright full moon of that cold night, I have done the Perfect Crime I will never regret.  No bail needed.  I would love to be imprisoned to that 30-year-old heart of a willing victim by the name of Dubai Fornillos-Dol -- and I am Guilty.

Isolation

Hurt and incomplete
Felt the air so cold and crisp
The moment of solitude
Is everywhere, it is somehow misunderstood

Midnight blue sky
Inviting, invigorating
Yet left the good things
To hide under the sheets

It is painful, especially heartbreaking
Seeing them in such a happy state
Hearing them singing the sweetest melody I’ve ever heard
It is harsh, it is great, it is melancholic, it is dead.

With great endurance still pain was felt
There is no turning back to the crest
The lights and the sounds are gone and the laughter now unheard
In this four-cornered room the shadow is forever held

pagpapalit at pagbabago...

 ....

dingdingdingding! 

tumutunog na ang batingaw. akala ko ay kung anu lamang malakas na dagundong mula sa di kalayuan.

alas-kwatro y media pa lang ng madaling-araw pero maririnig mo na ang mga kaluskos ng mga taong paroon sa dakong malawak. tanghali na iyon. marahil dapat ay alas-tres pa lang gumayak na para di na abutan agad ng haring palaging sumisikat.

huling umaga ng misa de gallo. ramdam na agad ang papalapit na pagpapalit ng taon. marami sa ilan ay napapailing na lang. madami kasing delubyo ang dumaan. mga natural na pangyayare, may isinisilang, may namamatay. may karahasan, may mga kasong di nasosolusyunan. at may mga di mawari pang pangyayaring ayaw nang balikan.

pero sa mga oras na eto, tumigil na ang pagtunog ng batingaw. nais ko na uling bumulusok sa higaan para ituloy ang naunsyaming pagtulog. sabay ng pagpalahaw ng isang masiglang awitin ng pamasko. mula sa kapitbahay na di mo malaman kung sadyang masaya sa araw na eto o nais lang makasagupa muli ung huling taong humabol ng taga sa kanya. hmmm..pasko. isang linggo na lang magpapalit na ang taon. ano na nga ba ang inabot ng buhay ko sa nagdaang taon? marami. ano kaya ang masisilayan ko sa paparating na taon? mas madami.

karaniwan nang tanawin un mga nagtitinda ng lusis sa kalsada.. mula sa kinamulatan kong watusi hanggang sa naglalakihang Yolanda at Napoles na mga firecrackers, ang Bagong Taong pinoy ay klasiko pa din sa aking paningin. samu't saring pagbabawal man ang gawin ng mga lokal na pamahalaan naten, pag nasipitan lang ng kakaunting orange o pula o byolet na papel, ayos na, tuloy ang ligaya! di naman na nga kasi mawawala pa ang paputok sa buhay ng mga tao. mula noon at sa mga susunod pang henerasyon, laging meron at meron mapuputulan ng daliri, paa, braso at iba pang parte ng katawan (take your pick!) o maging buhay pa (kala kasi buy 1-take 1 ang life) ayan tuloy, kumikita ng husto un mga taga-gawa (mga hindi lehitimong taga-gawa lalo) habang madaming pamilyang umiiyak  sa pagsalubong sa bagong taon...tsk! isang sinturon ni hudas pa nga jan! 

minsan nais nating tumigil ang oras pag papalapit na ang pasko at bagong taon. yun iba nagmamadali nang magpalit ang taon kasi madaming plano para sa taong paparating. pero ako, nais kong hilahin pabalik un taon at dahan-dahanin lang ang pag-usad nito.  nung nauso nga ung mga instant-instant na bagay, aba pati buhay instant na din. instant noodles, instant baby, instagram, hahaha...mas madali nga naman...kasi lahat halos isang click na lang anjan na sa harapan (pwede bang pati bf? ahahaha). pero nakakatakot ang mga bagay na nadadaan sa madalian. karaniwan nang instant din ang paglisan. mas masarap yung pinaghihirapan, pinagtyatyagaan hanggang makamtan, hinihintay kahit tinitignan ka na ng mundo na naghihintay sa wala. mas gusto ko pa rin talaga yung pansit, yung baby pagkatapos ikasal, yung picture na hinayaan mong madevelop kasi may backup pa kung sakali man mawala yun hard copy. kahit sa bf ayoko nang nagkabunggo lang, kayo na. pwede bang mga nagbungguang puso na lang muna? :)

sa pagpapalit ng taong 2013 to 2014, hindi lang naman yun selebrasyon ang inaabangan ng lahat. kagaya ko. eto yun parte ng taon (huli at una) na talagang matutulala ako, habang kinakain ko un paborito kong tsokoleyt cake at red wine, nakatunghay lang sa papawirin na may iba't ibang fireworks display. (sosyal; mtv lang ang peg!) di nga, ganun talaga peg ko ng yearend bago ako makikihalubilo sa mga tao sa labas at sasalo sa media noche at walang katapusang family picture :( -- kulang kasi kami ng isa...

back to you. eto yung panahon na pinagbubulay-bulayan ko ang mga nangyari ng 364 days at may pagkakataon na matatawa ako, maiiyak, magiging seryoso.. mapapaisip muli. kasi sabi ko, naging mabuti ba akong tao sa loob ng 364 days? o kaya 364 din kaya na tao ang nasaktan ko? or may napangiti man lang ba ako? may nagawa man lang ba ako para sa ibang tao? tapos kakastiguhin ko un sarili ko sa mga mumunti at malalaking pagkakamaling naisip, nasabi at nagawa...at gagawan ng paraan na hindi man mawala ng tuluyan pero mabawasan para sa taong darating.  sa lahat din ng araw sa buong isang taon, bukod as birthday ko (minsan nga di pa) eto ang pinakamdramang araw, un 31st 11:59 to 1st 12:01. haha. ewan ko ba. siguro kasi literal na past na ang 2013 pag tuntong ng kamay ng orasan ng 12:01 2014 na!, at ibig sabihin isang mabilis na ulit na paglalakbay patungo sa taong dosmil-katorse ang matutunghayan sa buhay ko.

pero sa puntong iyan, hindi talaga maaalis na malapit na din ang pagtuntong ko sa ika-tatlong dekada ng buhay ko sa mundo. at yun ang inaabangan ko ng may kaba at saya. magkahalo. nakakatakot. parang paputok lang. parang regalong bubuksan...parang click lang ng camerang may film. parang post lang sa FB na di mo naman pinapansin.

gabi na.

liwanag na lang ng parol ang nakabukas.

di na pasko bukas.

ihanda na ang mga lusis, torotot at mga pampaingay.

salubungin ang bagong taon ng may bagong buhay. 

Pasko. At Pakiramdam

...at some point hinahanap ko ang brasuhan sa trabaho. ung tipong di ka na magkandaugaga sa ginagawa. i want a bit of pain. i want some heavy things in my shoulders. for the longest time, i have endured all those. And God has been very good to me all this time for letting me out of those burdens...pero masokista talaga ako. i live by "no pain no gain" attitude. mas masarap kasi yung gain pag ramdam mong pinaghirapan mo. but i'm not saying that it's heaven here in MS. nasanay lang talaga kasi ako na the heavier the load, the better.


in this season of Christmas, the more na ramdam ko how i wanted the company of my former colleagues. but the people here in MS mababait talaga at professional. haha. i'm not giving you reasons to raise your eyebrows but the difference is, here i'm more relaxed. hinahanap-hanap ko lang talaga yun dami ng tao na kahit haggard na gawa ng panget na sistema eh all smiles pa din.


sa kawalan ng ginagawa sa araw na ito (bakasyon na kasi ng mga solicitors namen) napasulat tuloy ako.


ang saya din nung kahit gaano kaliit un sweldo, nakakabili ka ng regalo para sa mga kasama mo sa trabaho, sa mga kaibigan mo, pamilya at sandamukal na mga inaanak. haha. ang pinagkaiba, lumaki nga ang sweldo pero lumaki din ang expenses. whew! the mere reason why i still love living in rural areas kasi di maluho mga tao. haha. kahit naman noon pa, i'm not used to extravagant living. dinadaan ko na lang sa pagkain. tapos kung kelan napalapit ako sa mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko noon hanggang ngayon, parang lalo naman ako nawalan ng sigla. haha. ewan ko ba. hinahanap ko lang din siguro un comfort na hindi stressful ung environment. i may say na hindi stressful ang workplace ko (one thing I am thankful for) pero dun sa pinanggalingan ko, we truly formed a bond na may tawanan, iyakan, seryosong bagay, at tawanan ulit. haha. simpleng fishball lang at samalamig dun, keri na. dito, kada ikot mo gastos. kada lingon mo, gastos. haha. kung pwede ko lang dalhin sa laguna ang MS...para almost perfect na ang sistema. :)


i have loved the life of being a simple lady in laguna. kahit na may mga pagkakataon na hinahanap-hanap ko ang ingay ng kalsada at ang ilaw ng manila, mas love ko pa din ang peaceful surrounding at friendly neighborhood sa tinirhan kong lugar ng 1 taon mahigit. inakala ko kasi na sa pagbabalik ko sa manila, matatagpuan ko ulit ang sarili ko sa mga taong mahabang panahon ko din nakasama. i guess wala talaga sa tagal yan. kasi ung mga taong saglit ko lang nakadaupang-palad sa probinsiyang siyudad eh mas sinasalamin yung brighter side ko. ;) dito kasi, bilang ko lang talaga sa daliri ko un mga taong kilala ako kahit walang pera, un hindi nageexpect ng extravagance saken, nevertheless mahal pa din ako. nakakatawang isipin. gusto ko pa din yun mga simpleng taong nakilala ko sa laguna. mga hindi judgmental kahit kakikilala pa lang saken. ung mga totoong tao na hindi ka dadaanin sa mga discreet conversation at titirahin ka ng pailalim.


haay.. senti na naman ang pasko. at wala pa akong nabibiling matinong regalo. kung pwede lang na isang matamis na pagbati na lang. pero gift-giving nga diba. i might actually have wrapped myself up and try ko lang kung may tatanggap. aahahaha.


lekat! yan ang hirap ng walang ginagawa. sabog-sabog na sa ideya, makapagsulat lang talaga. pero one thing i am sure of...i am grateful for the chance of knowing and experiencing both sides., of being grace under fire and being a chillax babe..somehow nalalaman ko din kung what's missing and what i've been holding, what i'm letting off my life and what i'm trying to live with.


pasko na. may regalo ka na ba. ako wala pa. tara. magbalot na tayo. gaya ng dati. nung uso pa ang kendi na isasabit sa christmas tree.


saya lang. non-sense. nuff said.

...life as we complicate it

I don't believe that when things go wrong, it is this world or this life that is being harsh as we experience pain and cruelty. It dawned to me (and I think always) that we are the culprit of our own sufferings. For the bad decisions we made. For the things we don't consult to people who are most knowledgeable and most experienced than us. Sometimes, it does not hurt if we are to ask, if we are to accept some facts about handling life, if we are to go seek for advice. When things go wrong, we may be unfair with life giving all the blame to it when all it can do is for us to discover how beautiful life is just as simple as living it.

We are being masochist. We try to do things that we know from the start would hurt us yet we pursue those things. When we decide things out of the right ones, we tend to ignore the consequences and then when it hit us right through, we couldn't back out. We cry, we suffer, but we do not stop from there. We accompany that with words like "experience is the best teacher" but what if we don't have to experience it but learn from people who have been through that kind of situation? We want to test the water. And we end up drowning ourselves to the darkest part of pain. We want to learn as we bruised, as we were wounded. We endured scars, we wanted to have marks shown all over us for us to qualify as the most experienced person on earth when in fact we don't need to...

Living this life with the most numbers of pain does not guarantee us a noble prize award nor a plaque of appreciation. Sometimes, some people who showed their cruelty to others, tend to equal our pain with criticisms that would make or break us as a person. More so, we slipped by their words and then we fall apart. Then we have bandages all over ourselves.

After a while, as years passed by, we became numb; not giving the slightest trust to people who genuinely cares for us. We ignore the good things and still dwell from past hurts. We live by the mistakes we did, in a negative way. We show the world how hurt we are that we don't appreciate the goodness beyond every dark past. We acknowledged the truth of hurtful feelings and not moving forward. Then we all blame life and then we doubt its offer of hope for us.

I am not new to this phase. I am for the longest time have been blaming the negativity life is bringing me, then after years of contemplating why things happened, pointed at myself for being the foremost responsible of complicating my life. I fell, I stood up. Then fell and stood up again. It became a circular motion, without ending, as if enjoying this circus. But the more it made me hurt, the more I became stronger. I'm in denial. I showed the world I'm strong enough to face trials, but end up weaker, crying in that same corner. I realized I needed someone. I realized I needed the One who will understand. I realized that in every painful decisions I made that hurt me so badly, all I need is to forgive myself first for committing these cruelties and forgiving the people who I allowed to take over me.

It is then my responsibility to take things to a different level. As I forgive, I move forward. It is hard to do. No one says life will be easy. But it is in our hands to make it possible. While to some it may be true that we learn from our own mistakes; to me, I understand that we do not have to make to learn. Hard-headed we may be but this is true: We don't have to go the painful process. We ought to make our own path and not follow their footprints. We were allowed for many times in our life to make mistakes but we also can do something to lessen it, if we cannot avoid it.

Life's simplicity is not far from reality when we allow it to. It is not easy nor hard. It depends on how we deal with it. When we complicate things and we do it whole-heartedly, we reap it. We have choices. We can decide. We are to make things happen. 

It is in our hands, by the way.

Parang Kayo Pero Hindi (book by noringai)

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be “friends.” They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she’s okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don’t see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn’t know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. “Parang sila, pero hindi.”


She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? “He hasn’t admitted anything,” she rants. “But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi.”


They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said “I love you” once but she wasn’t sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she’s assuming that with what he’s doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There’s just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!


She is a 28-year-old virgin. He’s a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that “sila na” but then she’s not really sure about it. “We don’t talk about it but it doesn’t really matter,” she’d tell her friends. “What’s important is I am enjoying this — whatever it is.”


The “parang kayo, pero hindi” stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo- boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.


This kind of “relationship” can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. A nd for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy –may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi “hindi naman kayo.”


This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng “kalaro.” Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba’t ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng “buti na iyan kesa wala” or puwede na iyang “pantawid-gutom. ” Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.


For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that “kilig” feeling.


Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationship s din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn’t commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren’t ready to commit. My rationalization, “okay na iyun, kesa wala.” Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship , the emotions were real.


And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi. Una, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it’s not really a relationship, you can’t demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can’t expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?


Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can’t. Because you’re not sure if he’ll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang.


This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.


Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?


Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship . Wala kang pinanghahawakan.


Kasi sa pseudo-relationship , there is no “us.” Meron lang “you and me,” hindi “us.” Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo- relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.


Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you’d end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationship s and wait for the real thing.


When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, “Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita.” Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence.


Dahil ang “parang kayo pero hindi” stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo.


Usually, hanggang doon lang siya …


almost, but not quite.

cornered

i may be out of focus
maybe i am more preoccupied
that i forgot to even smile in the morning
or to bade goodbye to the night sky

did i take things for granted
did i waste a lot of time
i might throw out important pieces of advice
and stick with my own mind

oh yeah the wind is blowing
and i can hear the water flowing
they are my constant reminder
that life outside is full of wonders

but all i do is run and chase time
I tried to do everything in my hands
forgetting to savour the moment of rest
that i deserve some silence and stillness

grab my hand and prevent my feet from leaving
i wonder if i'll ever be stopping
help me to understand where am i standing
tell me now what are we still waiting

basted

ilang pick-up lines na ba ang binitiwan mo

ilang rosas ang pinitas at ilang tsokolate ang binili 

pero anong nangyare?

may napala ka ba sa huli

sabi mo dati maghihintay ka

titiisin lahat para sa kanya

magiging mabuting tao para sa darating na araw

maipagmamalaki ka rin, mapapansin din

pero ilang "friends na lang tayo" ang nais mo pang marinig

na sa tuwing sasambitin eh nakakatulig

kaya ang puso mong gawa sa papel noon

aba kasintigas na ng bato ngayon

musikang pang-single aba ni-relate mo lahat sa sarili

marinig mo lang pangalan niya di ka na mapakali

kakain ng mag-isa naiisip mo ang dati

inaalala kahit masakit, kahit binibiyak ang iyong dibdib

wala namang pag-asa pero puso mo'y umaasa

lilingon ba siya sa nakalipas o tuluyan nang aalpas

lahat ng effort di na napansin

lahat ng nangyari noon, wala ng dating

"kung ang mundo ay umiikot sa araw

bakit ang mundo ko sayo lang gumagalaw"

ayos na pick-up pero walang binatbat

sa sanlibo mong kalaban sa mundong pinagaagawan

Survivor

for the longest time that we are facing trials
how many of these storms, earthquakes and the like
no matter how strong and devastating at times
but we definitely get through all the time

we are strong amidst the storm
yes it’s proven and true
but we had to have some help
for us to get through

as for the wrath of Yolanda, aka Haiyan
is really world’s worst and troublesome
seeing the photos and hearing the news
the cry of the people is all at loose

we have to move forward
extend help with the highest regard
to the most needy and in grief
by giving our prayers as well as relief

such things will soon be over
it may not be easy but it’s within God’s power
we have to act and be sober in helping others
most of all believe that we are all survivors

cry of the unborn

..i can hear the ticking of the clock
it’s time!...it’s time!..
this wall that surrounds me
so thick, i can’t even breathe

it hurts, what is it?
my heart beats faster
it suffocates me
i do want to live please let me

my vision is blurry
did you take another dose
that you are not allowed to

my stomach lurched
i felt dizzy i need to vomit
what is this feeling..so strange

you can’t even hear me cry
i tried to kick you
but my legs were weak, can’t move

i want to see the world hang on there
but how will i if you want me to die
i love you but you just let me go...

Wish you were here...

I was your favorite...of course I'm your one and only.
You used to call me beautiful (you're the only one I trust when it comes to this area), your princess, your angel.
You treated me well, loved me more than anyone else in this world.
I was your little mic, the love of your life, your precious gem

I remembered one time, we talked. That was the first time ever that I saw you cried in front of me. Only telling me that you're proud of me. That I'm irreplaceable. Nothing in this world could compare to me.

We cried that night. It was something memorable to me, That was a week before you left.

You stood by me through thick and thin (well there's no thickness I guess because I'm thin)
You did everything for me...to much that I can't even repay it back to you.

There were times when I'm not that good at all. I gave you headaches and made you worried at times.
I also put a frown on your face and made you mad most of the time.
I even thought of being unwanted and thought of being a prodigal one.
But even though I've made all those things, your love still amazes me

You've been so patient, so kind, workaholic
You've carried the burden all by yourself
You've been so strong. You've endured all the pain
You've given me enough...it may not be material things. It's more than money could buy

You've been my strength, my comfort
You're my words of wisdom, my encourager, my English teacher, my absorber, my wall

How could it be that you're gone from my sight
How after four years, it seems like it just happened yesterday

How I wish you're still here, watching me sleep, cooking anything you could offer, see where I'm standing now as your child, as a lady, as a woman.

How I pray that whenever it is my birthday, you would tickle my feet, kiss me in my forehead, giving me your widest smile as you greet me one happy blessed birthday

Ah...the days when you used to hold my hand and led me as we walked the street. I was 5 then, and you protected me from that fat woman who wanted to get me from you.

You never failed, even though I failed you at some point. You have made my heart stronger when you break it just by leaving me alone.

Can you come back even just for a second just to touch your face and see your smile?

Can you...

Will you...

i miss you daddy


P.S. You told me you're my number 1 fan. so don't destroy that loyalty wherever you are, ok.
I love you

and if I could turn back time, and i have to choose a father, I will still choose you...simply because you're irreplaceable. One great dad above anyone else.

...solitude

bright sunshine and cool air
fills the room of emptiness
chirping birds flying across
passing through like time does

leaves keep falling
as tears continue rolling
misty eyed, fiery inside
getting used to being left behind

seasons changed and so are things
what’s left are marred pieces
of emotions pained
of feelings afflicted

the melody of the night
kept humming inside
the shadow of yesterday
is no where in sight..

When I think about you I can see....

A bunch of fragrant flowers wrapped in colored paper
The sweet sound of music as guitar plays to serenade
The aroma of vegetable soup of chicken and mushroom
A compilation of your widely read comic book

A photograph of your childhood, of memories untold
A notebook of writings, the richness of imagination
A set of collectible, of youthful living and enjoyment
The love for feline, nothing more nothing less

It's when you talk of your mum and the good heart she has
The joy of seeing you play with your nieces & nephews & siblings alike
How you love your buddies ,how you treasure the moments shared with them
The care you showed to everyone, even if it's not returned at all

The smile that cannot be compared
The warmth of hugs on a rainy day
The smooth kisses you give along the way
The hands that holds mine as we walk by the bay

The sun that kisses the rain away for hope of a better day
The rain poured out from the sky to get some shiver down the spine
The moon and the stars that glows in the darkest of night that brings romance
...and just that the universe collides when you are by my side.

....writer kuno

ilang papel na ba ang pinunit ko
mula ng makuha kong maupo
hawak ko ang panulat
di ko naman maisulat

ginugulo pa din ako ng alaala
na matagal ko nang binalewala
tila ba isang surot
malikot, pilit sumusuot

nagtimpla na ako ng kape
mga mata ko ay nanlalake
di na magawang matulog
nilisan na ng antok

kitang-kita ko pa rin ang imahe
ng nakaraang pilit winawaglit
mga sandaling ayaw kong idetalye
pero syang sumisiksik

mata koy nagngangalit
kamay koy nananakit
una sa papel na patuloy na napupunit
at sa putol na lapis na di na makaguhit

asan na nga ba ang mga ideya
tila ba hanging inilipad na
kung doon kaya ako’y sumama
may maisusulat pa kaya?

uncertainty

how long will i wait

for the day that isn't coming

will i cover myself up under those sheets

to hide the tears that's rolling down deep

i remember quite a bit

how you simply swept me off my feet

it's like i'm daydreaming

the feeling is never-ending

then you came at my doorstep

with flowers, chocolates, all my favorites

you sang a good tune for me

it became my heart's bittersweet symphony

the days and weeks and months passes by

still you care for me all the while

you were there for me all this time

making me laugh and cry at the same time

we've been through ups and downs

you've carried my burden at some point

you keep on putting a smile at my face

you never let tears ruin our days

then i've asked myself how could it be

that all these things aren't real

that you one day will just step out

and all that's happened were just  show offs

why? cos we are not "us"

it's just you and me

how i long for that day to come

though you're with me yet not mine

i tried to hide the pain by saying it's just fine

that the right time will come for you to be mine

i just don't want to waste time waiting for nothing

so tell me what we really are before the worse things happen

tell me how long will i wait for the day that isn't coming

tell me that what we did is not done for nothing

while it's still new, while i'm not deeply in love with you

tell me if i have to let love go, tell me if i have to let you go